:)

What could be a better subject line. I actually just finished bawling my eyes out. Stuff, lots and lots of stuff!

I taught my first yoga class today and it was really nice. I need to throw perfectionism out the door. I have been really hard on myself all of my life, and today was a great lesson. I was lucky to have a friend there who has been teaching for about three months to give me precious advice after the class. I was having issues with assisting, and I yanked her foot at one point when I should have gently nudged it, even though a male friend wanted me to yank him all over the place! It's the best to be gentle first and move from there. It was a fun first class because I had four friends and someone a friend brought, so I felt even more comfortable knowing almost everybody. I was still nervous, but knowing people really relaxed me. And my teacher friend said something extremely valuable, "It's about them, not you." So now I can prepare my next class to ask what they would like to do, along incorporate what beginner classes I enjoy and what poses I find beneficial, and go from there. Yoga is actually very fun, and like Baptiste said in my yoga bootcamp, "...like medicine".

But I came home sad and just cried and cried. I took a lot in that class and then I just let it all out. I'm not going to try an analyze it. I could have wanted to be more perfect, I may feel lonely, not good enough, wanting to be accomplished in something NOW, could be anything. But it is definitely crying time right now.

The most valuable lesson is being good to myself. I was kind of a nervous wreck all week, so that showed up a bit in my class. Okay so I am ANAL-izing. :) Speaking of valuable, after class I was like, "WHEW! What if I was still drinking and smoking??" Those are the last things I want right now, because I want to set a good example. I want to be the real deal. Maybe then I also want approval, hence the crying. I can't stop! But I am proud and I really want a better life.

I should stick to my experiment: Only do what I love to do (or follow my heart and gut). I have been painting for an event on Monday, and that gets my juices flowing. I don't judge my paintings. I also don't seem to worry what everyone else will think of them. Maybe I'm afraid to be a leader (eg: teaching yoga), and painting is like a meditation. That's the beginning of an "emo" owl, and I have a "Twitter Tree" and a cute owl on a house in a flood (It will look cute and not devastating I promise.) It's part of a theme I have to do, called My Generation.

I'm just glad that first class is over. I was expecting for "stuff" to come out and relax for the rest of the day. It wouldn't be better than painting right now.

And look at me! Why am I so hard on myself? Look at my butt! Someone's hot from being sober, doing yoga and weights and cardio, and eating clean. Sssssssssss!!!

:)

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 354