Snuggled in.

What a great Halloween!

Glowga RAWKED. Unfortunately I did not take any pictures, nor did I know if I'd be allowed. It's like doing something fun in your kindergarten gym class, only you are an adult. I broke a sweat too! Everyone was especially giggling because no one could stay in tree pose or dancer pose or eagle pose because it was too dark and hard to focus on any point. It was a blast, and I know they do it everywhere in the country. I highly recommend it. Scott had a local musician play the didgeridoo and guitar, as well as sing. She was amazing, Lorraine Hortsmanhoff. I think that's how you spell her last name. Then I went to a local band gig in my fireman costume, then had a snack at The Wild Grape. Now I am ready to crash!

I'm realizing more about myself and learning to release my 'bad' thinking patterns. I actually discovered that I am normal. Eureka!

Well I hope you had a fabulous and safe holiday. See you in November!

~Smobergirl

To add to my previous post...

.....I am way too hard on myself! I'm a crazy person. I had a cushy upbringing, but I did have the perfectionist parents. And the low grades did a number on my self-esteem growing up! Competing with my A+ brother was hard too. But that was solved just a few years ago when he said he was jealous of me because I was the creative one. I was in plays and I became a professional radio DJ. Boy this salad is delicious! I'm having leftovers. I didn't eat too much at the cafe. Look at my ass! It's awesome. Recently I was in a group at a party and one girl said, "I just want to get rid of my butt!" and her hiny is smaller than mine. What guy doesn't like a booty? Okay so I'm loopy today. Must be these incredible grilled onions and yukon gold potatoes. That's hummus in the middle. That's one thing about me I've always liked, my legs and butt. Most women have issues with that. Most women have body issues in general! I certainly do. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I see that sag under my chin or get frustrated with "muffin top syndrome". But overall, and even more now, I'm trying to love and be gentle with myself. Holistic therapists Vinca von Muhlenberg and Alex Jaimeson (Morgan Spurlock's [the Supersize Me movie guy] wife) have immensely helped me with that, so have Deepak Chopra's books.

I've been craving Lauretana sparkling water lately. It's $3.95 at my beloved Italian market but I found it for $1.45 at World Market. And also a joy this time of year is pomegranates! They are so easy to clean if you cut them in quarters then take them apart in a bowl of water. The membrane floats to the top and the jeweled seeds sink. Easy peasy. I've been eating them like candy. Also let's not forget about the high-antioxidant content. I need lots of those to replenish the nutrients zapped by the alcohol and cigs.

I'll try to take pictures at the Glowga class tonight. So excited!

~Smobergirl

Oh, I really like doing the mood worksheets again. I find that I compare myself to beautiful, strong-looking women too much. I think I'm too frivolous and childlike. But what the heck is wrong with that? I'm peeling away the layers and it feels pretty good.

Day three and feeling tired. However I'm getting excited for Glowga tonight! Scott is a really awesome teacher. I'm having my favorite Meditteranean salad at Oasis Cafe. I'm really liking the guitar still and I'm not as frustrated with it as I used to be. Hmmm, maybe I can compare that to my quit.

ld have a career in it! I listened to a radio play this morning and it was a fun one, Radio Alice, a creepy take of Alice In Wonderland. You can throw do

Well great, sorry, texting posts is on the fritz again!!

for breakfast which left me satisfied and energetic. I blended frozen strawberries, a banana, almond milk, and chocolate greenfood powder. Delish! Then

iverse to look out upon, have the beauty of nature. No I'm not drunk. :) I just am having a moment, and I think it is the detox. I'm so analitical I shou

granted and some of us can appreciate it more. The fact that we have language, can drive a car or in-line skate or ski or paint, have a crazy moon and un

alcohol, and if the Skinny Bitches and Dr. Oz are right 10 more pounds not drinking coffee. I got sick on it last night and it is not serving me well to

I had a coffee and crashed. Coffee is an addiction for me and sometimes I don't even like it. Well I can't wait to see if I lose 9-15 pounds not drinking

t home, but I have resolved in the future to attach a journal to me. Well that's what this blog is for too. And I am calming down. I had a fabulous shake

k out, study anorexia for my class, then it's the Day of the Dead fair!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

day.

I'm off to meet my friend for lunch where this place has a huge selection of tea, and an Indian veggie dish I love. Then I'll practice guitar, wor

wn $20 to see the live play, or a local radio station KUER is broadcasting it twice today. Being a theater major I kinda picked it apart. I should really

t I didn't like those characters played as such. However it was greatly entertaining. It's playing again tonight on 90.1 fm at 7.

My mood worksheet is a

be a film critic professionally. The cheshire sounded like Dracula and the caterpillar played by a female was witchy. I dunno if that was intentional bu

wntown and the rush of tears comes up. Normal detox, or am I just a sensitive git? And yes I adore the British language. I think we really take life for

Stuff coming up.

I'm meeting a friend in 40 minutes to exchange Halloween goodies and had time to kill after running an errand. So I'm driving qround do

Yay baths!!

Oof!

I was a party animal tonight. I also had whole wheat pasta with the rest of my tzatziki I made. Before I ate it I was already satisfyed by the egg, and the coffee made my tummy sour. Bad choices, but it was fun while it lasted.

Dangit!!

I just broke down, and got.....an iced coffee. ;) Dunno, I felt there was a hole in my stomach, and probably an emotional one. Plus I ate like a rabbit all freaking day. So I boiled an egg and ran out to Nostalgia (awesome coffee shop near me). Well I feel better, even though I'm probably not going to sleep soon. I set my Pandora to Krishna Das radio. It's groovy if you like yoga music. I'm listening now to Deva Premal, who I haven't heard of before. Pretty flute playing, along with the "hare krishna" singing.

I got my 20 minutes walk in today. I'll aim for Gilad or yoga tomorrow. I will also be occupied in the evening so I won't have idle hands. I'm going to a Day Of The Dead craft fair with a friend. Should be fun! Then the evening of Halloween I'll be doing Glowga in the dark in a classroom of 60 people wearing glow goo. Woot!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day 2 is official!

Good eating day!

I was such a good girl. I craved iced coffee tonight but instead went for peppermint tea. I had plenty of veggies and a portobello sandwich for dinner. See all the bread I left? I did eat that salad, BTW. ;) I also drank about 3 liters of water. *pat pat*

Good night!

~Smobergirl

Day one.

Yay baths!!!

I found the mood worksheets online! The exact same ones my old therapist gave me. I'm on my iPhone in the bath and the web address does not come up fully, so if you are interested google scribd thoughts and mood worksheets. Yay!

Cleaning up the bod. Again.

I went to Omar's Raw Living Cuisine for lunch and had the sweet basil salad/raw bean burrito combo and a raw mango, coconut, and chocolate pie slice. The food there is exceptional and will clean you out!

I walked 20 minutes on the treadmill and now I am resting. I did yoga four days in a row from Sunday-Wednesday. It felt awesome and my thighs are still slim and taught. I guess I should take another "before" picture. For Halloween I am going to a special 2-hour yoga class. Stoked for that!

I'm snuggled on my Love Sac now feeling sick from the poison I ingested last night. I finished the Passages book. http://www.passagesmalibu.com/ Pax is a good-looking kid and his story is heart-breaking yet amazing. What I got from the book was to, now don't laugh, but think happy thoughts. It goes deeper than you think. I had a pattern of negative and distorted thinking that I really didn't pay attention much to in the past. It's not just thinking happy but changing my views on situations. Normally if someone cuts me off in traffic and I want to murmur, "You big idiot", now I just use precaution, then let it go. Or if I want to get upset of someone else successful in the media or think I'm fat or not talented, I stop now and say okay, what's realistic, and then change my thoughts. After all, I am what I think. The "stinkin' thinkin'" could be my reason for the binge drinking. The book is also really big on acupressure, and it has helped me before. They also recommend a psychologist and a medical doc. I've had therapists before and I hope this isn't cheating, but I have decided to do a workbook everyday instead of getting a new therapist. The main reason is to save money. I had one shrink who had me write stuff down constantly. It really worked. I had a "Mood Worksheet" where I had to stop myself after having a distorted thought (distorted usually means a low self-esteem thought), then turn that around. Some of my negative thoughts are actually pretty silly, as I'm sure that is true for most of us. Why do we put ourselves down so much?

Okay now I feel 300% better and I'm ready to bite this thing in the ass.

Love,

Smobergirl.

I'm still here. A good friend from high school called being concerned about me. Wow I have local support! I do have friends who are sympathetic, but no one has gotten out of their way to actually call and check up on me. I haven't posted for a few days so she called. I feel so greatful! You made my night last night, you know who you are!

However, I still relapsed a couple of times. These times I drank a glass of water in-between, but I still felt crappy the next morning. I have, I mean want to do this smober marathon! I want to watch my transformation and show you what can happen. Okay so I promise to you I will do it. And tattoo the Passages book on my forehead if I have to. The book suggests acupuncture, along with other types of therapy. I have done acupuncture before and I thought it was amazing.

I just had a hot water with lemon and a sprig of Rosemary. My lips are really chapped from dehydration. However I am continuing to eat well and cut out most dairy. I am still taking milk thistle, and valerian for relaxation and to help me sleep

o_O

I learned that in a chat room at the old radio station I worked at, and I think it means opening eyes wide? If not. Then that's what I meant to do. I found something hopeful on my iPhone. I searched "alcolism" in the apps and found one by Passages. I've never heard of that name before. It's a clinic in Malibu that had a holistic approach to a cure. They believe that one can cure himself or herself from dependance. It is, of course, expensive to go there and I would not have the time to be in a rehab center for months, so the founders, a father and son team (the son was addicted to heroin and other substances for six years) created an app for $10. It's the book that they wrote, and their steps to recovery. In the last two days I have been spending about 5 hours reading it. I'm off to another yoga class, but I will be back to tell you more how this is making me feel about my dependence. In the meantime google Passages.

Look how bright the blood orange tea is! That is all natural, and I sure felt 'sunny' after I drank it. For my party I got this BBQ sauce to go with cold shrimp. It is fantastic! I downloaded some Krishna Das songs and they seem to be 'mind cleansing'.

Blood orange iced tea is the bomb! I'll have to start loving my body. Like, now. I have an AA book gathering dust at home, and a workbook from this lady: www.vincahealth.com. The more I write the better I become at taking care of myself. And the nutrition class is also a godsend.

Namaste.

P.S. I am going to a yoga class this afternoon. Then it's Dexter time!

Holy Sheet!

I was getting holes in my old bedsheets so I went to Pottery Barn because that's where my dad and step-mom get theirs and I remember they were really soft. They are! Crazy comfortable. I'm still in bed. They are cheaper if you buy their classic collection seperately instead of getting the set. The party was fun but I wanted a bigger turnout. Maybe I won't have it so close to Halloween next year. And I really am a wino. No one showed up for an hour, and if I get sad again, I need to do something else to cheer me up instead of getting into the fancy Australian Skull wine. It wasn't even that great. You know, wine, unless maybe it's really expensive, isn't that good. Kids don't like it. Sigh. My instincts even told me not to have the party. I clearly was not ready.

Day one.

Feeling normal today on day three. No guilt or worry about going to the dark side. I may have a fierce crave, but I started this blog over two months ago! It's time to start proving myself.

Had a banana and coffee for breakfast. Ran a quick errand fir a party I'm throwing tonight. It's my second Hot Luck I stole from the Food Network. It's a spicy pot luck! I got my non alchie drinks for me and a few others, and wine and beer for everyone else. They all know what I'm going through, so this is my chance to shine and set a good example.

Well the insomnia is here, but I saw a movie and played on my computer. I'm going to listen to the iPhone sleep hypnosis app. It's effective so far. Hey if you want to add a comment, I want to make sure you haven't given up on me.

Thanks,

~Smobergirl
Day one. Dammit.

Sorry about Tuesday's post!

Sometimes I text my blogs over the phone. Sorry that went all screwy.

So, I'm a genius. Inspired by a Nathan Lyon show (A Lyon In The Kitchen), I made whole-wheat spaghetti with kalamata olives, portabello mushrooms, red onion, green onion, a hot pepper (one from my fireman pinup photos, ha ha), fresh basil and rosemary, broccolini, a small carrot, and garlic. Got my veggies for the day! I left the garlic a little raw because raw garlic is really really really good for your arteries and heart, and lowers blood pressure. And believe me, my blood and heart need a little love today.

Now I'm watching another Everyday Italian show. Giada has another "cleavealicious" top on today. She does have really nice boobs. I just may have a crush on her. Ooh! She's making pumpkin ravioli. I love squashes.

Well, I'm off to the movies. It's Capitalism: A Love Story. I'll let you know how it goes.

~Smobergirl

P.S. Yes, that is a monster finger puppet.

Breakfast: iced green tea. I got bananas and strawberries yesterday so I will make a smoothie with almond milk, the fruit, and chocolate green powder later. I've had it tricking myself all of the time. One is too many and a thousand isn't enough. It is so so so true. I listened to my stop smoking hypnotherapy earlier. I have a headache and I look terrible. When I inhale deeply it feels like my stomach or small intestine on my left side is bloated. I took the last of my kudzu root and switching over to milk thistle again. I'm online dating again and so far on the site I have met three interesting men. All about my age, healthy, and good looking. Honesty on those sites and in life is the best feeling, so I know people are interested in photos that look like me instead of putting up modeling photos. I was sad, for I met someone last year from an online sire and he looked nothing like his pictures. Then he said those were ten years old! Poor guy. Well I have made a friend online and ran into people I know, and I think it's fun.

Day one.

Blood oranges and chat rooms.

Okay so just being two days off the wine and cigs again, naturally I craved bad food this morning. Hangover food is consumed because there is a lot of salt in it. A holistic therapist told me that alcohol is very yin, as in up in the clouds and airy, so naturally you would crave yang or heavy foods afterwards. I tried to satisfy myself with being somewhat healthy and had two eggs over medium and just ate one yolk, and a hash with potatoes, feta, onions, and peppers at Eggs In The City. I ate only the recommended amount of feta, a pair of die (which is just painfully too small, but I have to cut down and out eventually) but there was a lot of oil involved. So after I had a blood orange from a market nearby, and they are right, citrus is a natural anti-depressant! It's also a cleanser for the body. Wanna know why so many cleaners have lemon in them?

Last night I got into that AA chatrrom and I should do that more often. The people in there are supportive, and can be quite funny actually. Well I'm off to finish my lab assignment on my personal health test. I'm acually golden except I need to lose 5% body fat. Pish that's nothin! ;)

Oh speaking of I saw mittens with that symbol on it., ;). I'm kinda tempted to get them.

ow how to calculate how much I am getting, I will try to do that as well.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

st feel and look better off of it. Calcium you say? That will be from citrus, dark leafies, my 15 minutes in the sun, and again more research. Since I kn

ler I will eat soup (which I love, but keep it dairy-free), finish the block of parmesan in my fridge (hey it was expensive :) then no dairy at all. I ju

will, as per my nutrition class, eat 2-3 fishies a week. The rest will be from quinoa (and I'll research other grains) and nuts & legumes. Since it's coo

-2 times a week, and 2 fish meals a week. Okay I'm doing another plan for a month. And I can do this one. While watching my recommended protein intake I

ent with that. And I am. I feel fine eating lean cuts occasionally. I've never felt sick eating the recommended 3 ounces a serving. But I only ate meat 1

el as emotionally balanced as being a vegan. But you get arguments from everyone, eh? My nutrition class really is all "go meat!" and I wanted to experim

raw for a week, and maybe I should have given it more time, but I didn't feel as good on it. I didn't lose weight, it was harder to stick to, I didn't fe

ut let's see if I can make the 20 day smober mark this time. Have 20 things to do each night, 20 friends to call...

So back to the diet thing, I did go

tter typing away on this blog. It's such a release. Even though I haven't kept my word or plans for the last two months, just writing feels theraputic. B

d great from all of the hydrating foods. Then speaking of addictions, the cheese came back. Then it all went downhill from here. Ha ha. I feel so much be

good overall. I did get my daily protein from a boatload of cashews (cashews tend to be in a lot of vegan dishes) and walnuts, quinoa, and beans. I looke

I have experimented with different diets, and I have felt the best, although controversial, on a vegan diet. It worked greatly with yoga and I just felt

The rolls contain macadamia nut "rice", sprouts, avocado, hemp seeds, tomato, and cucumber. I definitely feel cleansed and loved. In the last few years

icked up a vegan and raw sushi roll at Omar's Living Cuisine called spicy seaweed curry roll. The sauce makes it! It's this spicy, curry, saucy goodness.

ch partying she made dishes to cleanse the body. She made a guacamole while wearing avo on her face, which I do occasionally thnaks to her. But today I p

Temple Food

A long time ago on BBC America, Nigela Lawson was doing an episode on what she called "temple food". The concept was after a night of too mu

How to stop the madness:

A: Stop drinking
B: Stop smoking

I never do one without the other so I can't just cut one out or cut down either. Tried both and failed. I know the triggers and exactly when the craves hit and the same emotions come up everytime. So the key is to find the magic bullet when that point hits. Or for a better word what to do. I could go crazy and list about 20 other substitutes instead of just one. I usually crave in my car for some reason or out eating so I could tape big signs on my steering wheel and dashboard. I need to up the ante on the reminders. :)

Inspiring blog.

I just started going to Flow Yoga, and I ran into the owner's blog.

http://jenniferellenyoga.blogspot.com/

~Smobergirl

Day one.

I have a food/mood testimony with fruit. It really cheers me up, especially when I'm cutting it and the scent just wafts up. Something about it. Also I read that citrus is a natural anti-depressant. It really works for me.

Wild Things was a lovely but darker film. I was mixed on it. The acting and puppets were amazing, and James Gandolfini plays the main monster. But I felt sad and bored at parts and I wish it was a bit more happy and magical. Overall I think it's a classic Spike Jonez film, and it is a nice piece of art.

Going to Macbeth the opera tonight as part of a young mixer group. I just don't...I mean I've been depressed. I black out then type mean emails when I drink, and I just hope I didn't have any victims this time. Besides bad health, bad behavior is my #2 reason for wanting to stop the madness. I am not a bad girl, I just play one on the wine. I need to get my respect back. Because sober I pretty much kick ass. ;)

Feeling better. A little headachy still. Having a fresh carrot ginger juice. It's always the same. I tell myself I shoulda waited it out, I should have gone to gallery stroll even though the parking lot was full. But I just end up shoulding all over myself. I stole that from Anthony Robbins. I went to one of his seminars and they are pretty R-rated actually. That man has quite the potty mouth! Entertaining and inspiring nonetheless. I wish I could get paid that much telling people to just get off their asses. :)

I slipped. My problem is that I have all of these creative ideas then I don't follow through. I thought this blog was going to help me. Maybe I should get some professional help.

Oops. Wild Things. ;)

Bones and Cancer

I'm sitting outside a movie heater getting my 15 minutes of vitamin D, the vitamin you don't only have to get from food. Your body converts ultraviolet rays into the compound that produces vitamin D. See this class is making me sound smarter already! The chapter I'm on is about osteoporosis and cancer. High amounts of caffiene and alcohol can contribute to bone loss. So now I flip-flopped again and I'm on the green tea instead of iced coffee today. Tea contains 1/4 to 1/2 the caffeine of coffee.

Then the chapter touches on how cancer develops from carcinogens mutating cells and......ta da! The word 'smoking' comes up. Surprise surprise.

Emotions came up again but I'm learning to observe these feelings and letting them come and go. All I can do now is be excited for my healthy transformation. Thanks to Gilad and yoga I already have firmer thighs and a better self-esteem. I'm also eating 2 1/2 cups of fruit spread out per day. Which is also boosting my mood and keeping my blood sugar level.

Off to Where The Wild Rhings Are! I'll give you a full report in a few hours.

~Smobergirl

Lunch and feeling better.

I am typing wearing latex gloves, are you turned on?

I'm soaking gourds in bleach so it will be easy to brush the grime off of them. You see, my mom is a gourd artist. She's been at it for about eight years and she's good enough to make a living off of it. The 'naked' ones are the gourds I just dried. Mom made the turtle gourd for me a few years ago, and she just sent the Halloween ones. See, I can stay at home today and be constructive. I feel so so much better. I worked on that owl painting which I started in January and neglected in March after a breakup. It's silly but I don't think I'm alone. I think I'm a pretty good artist, but I've been so down I haven't been motivated to work on anything. I like to burn Jack O' Lantern faces in the baby gourds and make necklaces. They were a hit about 5 years ago, then I stopped making them. SO for my spicy party I'll give them out again. Yay.

Lunch was the other spaghetti squash half with NORMAL pesto I made (I'm never making arugula pesto again), and a couscous/grain mix from TRADER JOE'S that my mom sent with the gourds. Delicious! There is a petition on Facebook to get a Trader Joe's in Salt Lake City. Who knows...

So spirits are back up and I'm going to a Johhny Depp party tonight. We'll watch Edward Scissorhands and Sleepy Hollow, and there may be other crazy goings on. I'm brining my Golden Star tea drink for me. http://www.goldenstartea.com/

~Smobergirl

Day 15

Breakfast and freaking out!

Leftover fantastic butternut squash soup, hard-boiled egg, and a papaya, orange, carrot, and orange cherry tomato smoothie. I also walked 20 minutes on the tradmill, and did my 20 minute exercise with Total Body Sculpt With Gilad. I still have anxiety today and I just want to cry. Now, I'm a big analyzer, so bear with me. I just feel bad being a bum, when I can actually afford it at the moment. My father also had high expectations of us kids because he was a successful entrepreneur. When I was in college he'd hound me every week asking me what I'm going to do with my life, but I think he did it the wrong way. Instead of feeling encouraged I felt threatened. Does that make sense? Sorry, stuff is really coming out today. Which I still want to believe is a healthy sign. I'm dealing with my stuff, which I expected, and I'm not covering them up in a bottle or two of wine. And I hate cigarettes. Damn you Nat Sherman for making a pretty package and mint and vanilla flavor. I hate glamorized advertizing for toxic products. All people care about is money. If you want to make a buck, make pretty packaging for nicotine gum or granola bars or eco-fashion. I hate the tobacco companies. I was a victim for 14 years. LOL now I'm getting a literal headache getting steamed about this. Time to practice peace and meditate. At least studying nutrition makes me feel that I'm doing something. Oh and I said I'd probably paint too. ;)

Day 15 and really feeling emotional. Just stuff I worry about for no reason, because I'm paranoid like that. Not relaspsing, that seems to be a bit easier, but career and stuff. I know better and I'm just going to keep zoning out on things I am good at and love to do. Since I'm on a budget for the next few days maybe I'll hole up at home and paint, practice guitar and read my minerals some more for class. I'm off to the tradmill then I have a date with Gilad. I did do yoga again last night which felt great again.

Have an awesome Thursday!

~Smobergirl

Yoga

I forgot how important it is in my life. It really makes a difference. For a quit I highly recommend it. I love power vinyasa flow, but any type would be effective. It's just so good for your mind, and something about wringing out my body makes me feel so good. I did another Inhale episode about an hour ago, then I steamed a spaghetti Squash and made a walnut pesto with arugula and I think I put in too much arugula and not enough parmesan because it tasted like pureed salad, so I put in more parm. I was just trying not to eat a lot of dairy and cut back on the recipe. However, parmesan is one of the lesser evil cheeses.

I'm two weeks quit! I have noticed some thigh-slimming, and my shoulders are getting more sculpted, but the shoulders are definitely Gilad's and down dog work. Also the alcohol bloat has gone down on my upper abs. I've lost 3 pounds! Yay me.

~Smobergirl

Not finished yet.

Inspired by a yoga "bootcamp" that I attended in Mexico three years ago, I did yoga at 10 pm tonight. I feel fantastic. All my worries just dissolved. Yoga is a beautiful thing, and medicine for the body and the mind. I should be doing it every day.

Okay I'm really going to bed now.

It's the little things that amuse me.

I broke out the Halloween decor today. I love holidays! This sweet local musician gave me a Skull rollercoaster that lights up and little ghosties ride out of it's mouth. It's adorable! I also found this book I got in Portland last year about funny goings-on with Bigfoot. It's hysterical. So my happiness factor just went up one today. I also continued to clean the condo. It sure makes a huge mood difference I probably don't have to tell you, and a good meditation for my quit.

I am going to be tight on funds until Tuesday so I'm going to get more creative in the kitchen. I already have so much food from the farmer's markets and Caputo's. Darn you Caputo's!

Have a pleasant night and I'll be back having finished week two! Woot.

~Smobergirl

OMG orgasmic squash soup!

Holy good lord Tyler Florence is a God.

I had a butternut squash from the farmer's mkt sitting in the fridge for two weeks, so I thought I'd better use it while it still looked good. Also in my nutrition class I learned that the minute a veg or fruit grows it starts to lose nutrients.

I like to search www.foodtv.com when I need a recipe, because the Food Network is my new crack. So I find this:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/roasted-butternut-squash-soup-with-amaretti-cookies-recipe/index.html

Now, to make it healthy, I didn't fry the sage leaves, and I didn't have the cookies. When I pureed everything in my Vita-Mix (my hand-held blender made it splatter) it was like a cream soup, with no cream! The squash is plenty thick enough. I also had to throw in a few garlic cloves and a dash of UFO dust (habanero powder) because I like it hot. It is one of the better soups I've ever had. I could have this at a nice restaurant. It is super easy to make too, and it's healthy! I am now warm and comfortable enough to go outside and see if the Tuesday market is still going on. Oh and that soup makes a ton! I have enough left over for 2-3 more bowls, and I only made 1/2 the recipe.

It's supposed to storm tonight, so bundle up! I love storms.

~Smobergirl

"You are like a child whistling in the wind. Then it comes back." That's what an AA buddy told me yesterday when I said I didn't have a crave for three days then just had a bad one yesterday. It's not fair. :) I want to whistle all the way to my grave and not worry about it. Apparrently the craves start to dwindle, so I hear. Heck, not thinking about it for three days is pretty good for me. My energy is back, my abdomen is getting tighter, and climbing stairs is definitely easier. I still crave sugar sometimes and I'll get a small local treat with berries on it or a vegan milkshake from Sage's. But I am thanking my lucky stars still. Two weeks in two days. Yay!

Day 12 and feeling good.....

......but this morning was a different story. You know as well as I do that this has been a rollercoaster ride. Should I still have cheat foods, or should I eat healthy to clean everything out? I had a few relapses along the way, and plenty of mood swings. Coffee, no coffee? Well, I really O.D.ed this morning...on the iced coffee. I was at a coffee shop with my 'puter and one 16 ounce turned into two. Then I had a flood of anxiety! I know I should only be sacrificing alcohol and cigs here, but the coffee especially seems to bring up the anxiety. You probably also hear that you should drink plenty of water to stay hydrated and flush all the bad stuff out. I just went up to get some. Other than that I started to feel much better after a glass of water, 10 minutes on the elliptical machine, and 30 minutes with Gilad. Working out works out, believe me. I also got extra cardio vacuuming and doing laundry.

Breakfast with the gallon of coffee was an egg and pesto on wheat toast. I didn't feel heavy, just irritable from the coffee. Lunch was my fabulous farmer's market Happy Monkey Hummus on a flax seed cracker, also from the market; and a salad I made of fresh pomegranite seeds, red onion, orange cherry tomatoes, avocado, balsamic vinegar, cracked sea salt, and hemp seeds. I popped some popcorn with nutritional yeast and Bragg's aminos for work. I am also bringing water and white tea to the station.

So I'm off to my little radio show. Listen if you can. www.utahfm.org.

Adios!

~Smobergirl

Reverse Hulking.

<------Fish tacos from The Eating Establishment in Park City, cream dressing on the side, and not on tacos. Smart idea.

I feel reeeeeeeeally relaxed and calm now, but I had a moment a few hours ago. I am going to write these painful moments as normal, not craves but 'drama queen' or 'The Hulk in reverse' moments. Yes, I'm blaming everything on my quit and transformation. It's my story and I'm sticking with it. :) I actually haven't had a craving in three whole days. But I'm not at all cured, of course not. However I am really discouraged (okay, pissed off) at people who have been sober for years and still say that they are alcoholics. I think that is just making yourself suffer mentally, and the one thing about AA that I disagree with. I'm not saying I'm right, but I'd rather be done with this phase in my life and not whisper the "A" word ever again. I'd rather that be the wake in my boat and not say that I am forever diseased, because I do not believe that.

So I read up on vitamins for my class, but lost the important receipt from my lab test that I need for assignment 2, but I emailed the teach about it and I'm not going to think about it until she gets back with me. I'm exercising hakuna matata.

Bon niut!

~Smobergirl

Day 11

Good morning! I am up in Park City just finishing a healthy breakfast of seared ahi taco insides (flour tortillas are evil) and a cup of black beans and tomatoes. I had an iced coffee but now I am ready to hunker down on mood enhancing foods and less clogging and acid ones. I am also being more aware of how much protein, complex and simple carbohydrate, and fat I eat. I may have to say goodbye to my beloved cheese. Low-fat cheese is just not an option for me. Ha ha. I didn't work out yesterday so I'll do something strenuous but fun today. It's also Sunday! That means my favorite serial killer is on Showtime tonight, Dexter. O have popcorn and my wine-substitute in the kitchen so I am set. When I drank, the ritual was drinking the bottle of wine and smoking in front of the TV. So if I want to watch now, I feel that I still need something to do, even though snacking in front of the television is not recommended in the nutrition world. At least I am attempting to keep it healthy: I pop naked popcorn and use olive oil spray and either cayenne sea salt or a mix of brewers yeast and soy sauce. Both are delicious!

Stuff coming up...

I had a great day and ate well. Went to my high school committee party and drank bottled water and ate Caputo's hummus and crackers all night and played pool. I had a total blast.Then I left and thought of all of those married people. I think they are all married. Then the tears welled up. I'm a sensitive enough person already! I'll be cool. I just know from other's quits that crying is perfectly normal. :) My life is actually awesome, and life will continue to get better and I will be a better person from this.

Bon nuit,
~Smobergirl
Day ten

Day 10.

I have energy, I woke up at 8 am, and I'm fricking freezing. Rode my bicycle to the farmer's market where I met a friend and got a bar of coffee soap from The Soap Lady for my mom for Christmas. Besides dark chocolate, she's a big coffee freak. I am feeling more at peace everyday, and it didn't matter that it was 44 degrees. I'm back to cutting down on the dairy. I had an iced coffee this morning, but I'm going to keep hydrated for the rest of the day. At the market I had a bowl of vegan chili verde, which was spicy and warming. For a snack I am having celery sticks and flax seed crackers dipped in two kinds of hummus from the market: Butt Nutt (butternut squash) and XXX (chipotle). They will be at the last downtown farmer's market next Saturday, and their email is happymonkeyhummus@gmail.com. They have about 6 different kinds now and I think they are amazing. I'm also having a glass of Kombucha, a fermented tea tat you can get at health food stores.

What I also believe is calming me down is an iTunes quit smoking application from Max Kirsten. His web site is www.maxkirsten.com. He's this British hypnosis bloke who helped Ewan McGregor stop chain-smoking. Ewan hasn't had a puff in three years. Max also has supplements for weight loss and help sleeping. The app is $8, and I find it extremely helpful. $8 is actually the price of one pack of Nat Sherman's, so I really don't mind that price.

So, I might go to PC today and visit a yoga shop I like, or just stay here in the valley. I'll get in yoga and/or Gilad today, and probably hang with my hs reunion committee peeps this evening. Some of us went to Odessey Dance's Thriller last night. I have never been before and I thought it was absolutely amazing.

Make it an awesome Saturday and I'll be back!

~Smobergirl

Oops! I'm posting via text and prematurely sent that. I had a lemon-oil salad with an egg on toast. Lunch was a cup of butternut squash soup, and and egg on a spinach and frisee salad. Now, I try to keep a one-yolk-a-day rule due to cholesterol, but I cheated today. I won't have another egg yolk for a while. That's where all the fat is too, but the whites have nutritious protein and can be eaten in larger amounts. I feel good and energetic today. Definitely breathing easier and bounding up stairs.

Peace,

~Smobergirl

Okay NOW it's day 9. Yay. I had a lem

LMAO. I've only done eight days. The CRS is kicking in. Must be the rush of oxygen to the brain, which would literally make you an airhead. See smoking depletes O2, and when you stop you get the oxygen back, which can be overwhelming...well that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And go see Zombieland already.

"Nine times." I mean nine days. Ferris Bueler's Day Off, where that qoute comes from, is my favorite movie. I've been quoting it since 7th grade. So day nine and I finished my second nutrition test. I did okay, but could have done better. Amino acids are hard. I'm vowing to read more ofter so already I'm at a coffee shop reading about vitamins. But before I rewarded myself by seeing Zombieland. Great fun that is. I got my appetite back, but I'm keeping it mostly fruits and veg and grains. I made a killer salad today with white beets sliced in a mandolin. It's a great tool, you just really need to watch your fingers. I have never gorged myself until I'm stuffed. I know better than that, but I've been nibbling every two hours or so. And I'm eating more protein. I had a beef stew last night and salmon today. Thanks to my class I know how much protein to eat, which is 48 g a day for a female of my weight and my physical activity. It's fun to not stop learning. Never stop learning.

~Smobergirl
Day NIENE.

I won a raffle!

Good karma is coming my way already. Go positive energy! My friend runs a small craft fair at a local coffee shop the first Sunday of each month called Craft Sabbath. Last week there was a Halloween fair and a raffle drawing. I won it! I got goodies from each artist there, and please check out these talented artisans. Unfortunately I don't know all of the artists, but here's who I do know: Todd Powelson, Anna West, Meg Griggs, bykali, and Grimmleigh's Feinds. I'm so happy!

~Smobergirl one week!!! Actually yes, that is a big deal. ;)

This is so worth it. I don't have to tell you. It's tough and easy at the same time. I wanted to bring home a bottle of wine home to watch my recordings of Dancing With The Stars so badly last night, and I just cursed myself that I was still addicted, so I called a friend right away. That's all I had to do. "make choices, not excuses" I had heard somewhere. Then the craves went away and I took a hot bath and then studied and played on my laptop in bed. I'm back on the Facebook, or Crackbook as they call it. Make it a great Wednesday and be good to yourself! Call someone if you're feeling down. ;)

Woo! One week!

Yoga was great. 1 1/2 hours of flow and modified funky crane. I dig arm balancing poses. Brunch was a tofu and black bean burrito with guacamole and green chile. I didn't eat the flour tortilla. I got a Rishi Summer citron iced tea that tastes really strange, but I like it. Everyone is complimenting my hoodie, which has owls riding dandelion stamens. I love this brand. www.gamago.com. Mechanized in SLC has some of their stuff. Good day so far. I feel so relaxed and the anxiety is fall
Ing by the wayside. Last night I made up with that friend I pissed off, so that's a plus. I rented Young Frankenstein from the Tower Theater on Saturday and it's due tonight, so I'm going to watch that and do some nutrition reading. Young Frankenstein I rent every Halloween time. It's a tradition. :)

Good morning! Going to my first yoga class in about two months. I've been working out at home for so long, mainly to save money and also out of laziness. Then one of my Utah FM peeps who does PR for Flow Yoga told me to go check it out, plus you pay what you want for the class. Groovy. After class I'll have an energizing breakfast then go to a meeting. That would br one of Bill's meetings, if you know what I mean. I'm not groggy this morning finally. Not tired at all, but still coughing a little and a bit phleghmy, and dehydrated. I'm upping the ante on the water today. One week smober tomorrow! Getting the squeaky wheel greasy.

~Smobergirl

Okay I'm doing well. I just had a fierce craving then a friend told me about a yoga class tomorrow morning that sounded really theraputic. So I may start to bribe myself like I can go if I don't drink and smoke tonight. Of course if I gave into my vices then I wouldn't feel up to going to yoga in the morning. Ya know? Whew I' glad that's over. I also had a huge glass of water and that seemed to help. Okay dinner wasn't the picture of health but it wasn't terrible. I had the Spring risotto covered in cream and cheese, but there is a ton of broccoli and string beans in it. I had the spiced almonds too. This seems to me my regular Monday dinner since this cafe is two blocks away from the station. Well I feel tons better now. I think I'll take a long hot bath, since I'm walking home and it's 43 degrees outside. Then study untill I pass out, sober that is.

Nighty night!
~Smobergirl
Day 5 done and frickin' done.

Three keys to Smobergirl's happiness:

1. Don't put toxins in your body

2. Be honest.

3. Eat your fruits and veggies.

I was coughing up a storm at 4 am. I feel dehydrated and a little tired. I think I'm going too apeshit on the iced coffees this time around. If I have more than 12 ounces at a time I actually feel more tired, and unsettled. When I just drank tea I felt so much lighter and more awake. I'm also eating more but a lot of insoluble and soluble fiber, so my digestion is doing great. I just need to keep the water content up.

More stuff coming up....and ick, it's not just emotions.

I did a tough power yoga workout for an hour today. Then I sat quietly as the teacher of the yoga show I record ("Inhale" on Oxygen) says "Take a deep breath in, hold it, and release." You guessed it, I smelled cigarette smoke. After four days, it's still in my body. I wasn't surprised however, for back in 2002 during a six-month quit, after the first month taking a hot bath, I walked out of the bathroom, came back in, and smelled tobacco smoke. This is why we all should quit. Ew!

So I have vowed to either do Gilad and/ or yoga, or the treadmill, some physical activity every day. And I'm drinking more water. I just now made a pitcher of Spa water with tangelo slices.

I also love my nutrition reading, some of it can be tough, like I have trouble understanding what ATP means, then I'm fascinated by other factoids, like the average human will last 62 days consuming nothing but water. And there is white (storage) and brown (regulating heat) fat in the body. It's a challenging class, but I am learning so much. And that keeps me out of trouble. ;)

For dinner I had an heirloom tomato salad with sunflower seeds, roasted red peppers, and corn kernels; a vegan butternut squash soup ( I LOVE Fall squashes, and I love soup) with black beans and more corn; and a vegan tiramisu. All from Sage's. I took it to go and ate it a home watching Dexter, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Entourage. Then I studied obesity, starvation, metabolism, and tried to wrap my head around this ATP chain link thingy. Well I need to get it by Thursday, that's when the next test is.

Sweet dreams everyone! And I want to give kudos to my 'evil' step-sis, who made my day last night by telling me she reads my blog, and she's supporting me all the way. She seems to be the only family member who is being empathetic at this time. I told the others a long time ago about my struggles, and they either say I don't have a problem or tell me to make a reason to get up at 7 in the morning, which is actually good advice, but this girl really pulled at my heartstrings and made me feel truly supported. Love ya!

~Smobergirl

Day four done and done.

Doing well. Coughing less. I had a mock chicken salad sandwich on wheat for lunch with mango black tea. I felt good and had a lot of energy to do one hour of power yoga at home. Studying nutrition then Dexter.

Day 4 bitches. ;)

Last night was pleasant. I had snacks at Eva while I studied, went straight to see "Whip It" the new directoral by Drew Barrymore film, then lamb and lentils at Tin Angel with live music. I woke up to thunder (lovin' it) and grabbed an iced coffee and a "grown up" egg ang cheese sandwich from Cafe Marmalade. I had a smoker's cough last night and this morning, getting rid of the gunk. I can drink more water to keep flushing stuff out. I'm going to a Halloween underground craft thing then I have a blind date. I'm back on the online dating wagon. I've done it before and I like it. It's also cool when you find your friends or co-workers on there. ;) I am going to a local band gig tonight so my craves will have to be on the back burner. Not tonight, and a week is only three days away! I also need to keep the friends I do have, remember?

Enjoy your Sunday!

I went to the downtown SLC farmer's market and found spaghetti squash and beeswax candles. It is marked #2 in the nation. I had veggie chili verde and an iced coffee for breakfast. It's overcast and definitely Fall today. Very nice!

Before I FINALLY got to bed.

One of the side effects of quitting: Insomnia.

If you need help this is a chat room where you can immediately connect with other recoverers. I just found it last night and I think it's pretty helpful, especially if you need to talk to someone right away.

Bon nuit!

Good day.

Okay I feel about 95% happier and somewhat back to normal. I did really well at my guitar lesson today. Then I studied more nutrition for school, had dinner at Mazza with a friend and saw the movie "No Impact Man". It's almost like the opposite of "Supersize Me". Then I decided to cancel my Facebook account. I'm still on myspace to support the music, and I Twitter about my show and cool concerts and CD releases, but I don't really need Facebook, at least not for now.

Speaking of cutting out, that movie, who's point is to influence us all to cut down our carbon footprint, I'm going to focus on garbage. Lack thereof, I should say. I believe that recycling uses up energy and reuses an item until it becomes more toxic. That's just me. So no more plastic cups or bottles, no more takeout, or extremely minimal. SEE, here I go again, not focusing on just eliminating alcohol and not worrying about anything else. Okay okay, but at least I'm being thoughtful. Maybe you could do just one thing this month to use less energy or change a habit. But make sure it's only one thing.

So I made a delicious snack and didn't take a photo because I left the phone in the car. And I still feel like hiding from most of the world. Yeah maybe that's why I left Facebook. I'm still here! I made a poached egg with purple onion, oregano, and rosemary. I sliced one of dad's tomatoes (still going strong with the 'maters!) and put a bit of bleu cheese on the slices. Delicioso.

Hot bath time then reading nutrition and writing more quit plans in my journal until I pass out.

Namaste,

~Smobergirl

Day two

Trying to feel better today. Worked out with Gilad, had a healthy lunch, then the rush of shame came over me. I have an AA buddy who told me that's it's not up to others to understand. Usually only alchoholics understand alcoholics. You don't hold back when you drink too much. You cry, get into fights, fall down. I'm not a unique case. I just can't believe that I'm capable of being rude, usually after I black out, just for my own entertainment. I never did that in my college days. I was just like most students, out for a good time and if I had 5 Jager shots I would just pass out, and not turn into a jerk. That just started in my 30s. I think I have been disappointed in events, mainly career and romantic relationships, that I need to deal with on my own. I have to be so patient and have faith. Being a wino may have soiled my reputation with some. I know some have forgiven me and some I hurt too much. But I can't wave a magic wand and reverse any of it. But I can't go walking around with a bag over my head can I?



Iced white tea for breakfast, arugula, mozzerella, and tomato wrap, one wedge of cantalope wrapped in prosciutto. Iced coffee. I'm tackling drinking first then I'll work on the java. Hell even if I eat cheeseburgers every day. I need to focus on the one thing for now. Hey Borwdwngs thanks for the lifehacker link. I'm following that plan now!



~Smobergirl

Day 2

And it's a gorgeous one in the SLC!

Praying and crying.

Stupid alcoholic heritage. Why does this have to suck ass? Last night was pretty brutal. I did the same thing I always do, convince myself that this time will be different. It was exactly the same except I smoked even more cigarettes than usual, and I didn't remember doing this but I think I was instant messaging a friend and was rude because I get this angry email back from him this morning.

The day before a few relapses ago I tried to 'talk' to my grandfather, who passed away last February. He was a raging alcoholic and smoker from his 20s until he was 50. He lived to be 93. I was in the bathtub crying and had a really nice chat with him. I asked him how he did it and afterwards I felt so hopeful, then the next day....

Why does praying not work for me? True, I'm agnostic, and when I do pray I do this, "If there is anyone out there" speech. Stuff also came up today because I want this so bad but there is this fear I'll end up killing myself. Did you know that too much alcohol really raises breast cancer risks? What lowers them is flax seeds, so I grind those up every day. But I can't cure or prevent anything if I keep drinking like that. I'm the boy who cried wolf, I'm a freaking broken record. I'm too addicted, but it's every third day that I want it. Three is the magic number. Why can't I stop if I made this blog? I am trying so many things, but it is so dangerous for me because it's always at night when I'm alone and feel lonely as Hell. I've lost friends and my old co-workers probably think I'm a nut job. When I drink I can get crazy rude. I know for a fact that one guy I dated thinks I'm bi-polar. It's me playing the stupid victim and feeling that the world owes me one when I'm drunk. I can go way back to 1st grade when my grades plummeted and I didn't make any friends. I was pretty much a loser and I didn't know why. this went all the way up to high school. Then my first radio job everyone there made fun of my poor grammar skills and my boss even told me that sometimes I sounded 'dumb' on the air. And I was this strong-personality drama queen for most of my adolescence. I also have a family who is well off so I get stabbed for that, too. Then I had to find out who my real friends were because I became a local celebrity, but I didn't make any money and my father seemed disappointed.

You know, even though I haven't succeeded yet long-term it feels great to write out my feelings. I seriously needed an outlet. And I'm crying as I type. Why can't the cravings just vanish? Why can't we be conditional beings just for the good behaviors? I'm a very good person, I'm not stupid. I'm beautiful (you should see my Halloween photos I took with my friend who is an amazing photographer), I'm insanely creative.

When I drink I can be a total obnoxious monster.

Ha ha I told a friend that quitting is like being the 'reverse Hulk'. You are this monster that is slowly shrinking down to a normal person, but you are in so much pain as you shrink.

Well I made some great food stuffs today thanks to Giada's Everyday Italian show. I didn't take pictures. Wait I have some dip left. Okay. Look up "Healthy Snacks" from her show on www.foodtv.com. I made baked crunchy salmon fish sticks with Vegenaise (she used low-fat mayo), plain yogurt (I used goat yogurt), dijon mustard, and chopped dill (she uses Italian parsley and I didn't have any). Super easy and so delish! Then I made her spinach and white bean dip and made cucumber sticks to dip in. I love cooking for myself. It's pure love. Now that's romanticizing myself. I have to stay off the wine. I hate doing this alone. It does really suck, but it will be so rewarding in so many ways if I stick to it. Clearer skin and organs, I'll keep my friends, etc, etc. Okay I think I'll go reward myself with bubble gum-colored lip gloss. I hear that color is all the rage now.

Peace and love,

~Smobergirl

Day one.

Is there anyone out there?