Praying and crying.

Stupid alcoholic heritage. Why does this have to suck ass? Last night was pretty brutal. I did the same thing I always do, convince myself that this time will be different. It was exactly the same except I smoked even more cigarettes than usual, and I didn't remember doing this but I think I was instant messaging a friend and was rude because I get this angry email back from him this morning.

The day before a few relapses ago I tried to 'talk' to my grandfather, who passed away last February. He was a raging alcoholic and smoker from his 20s until he was 50. He lived to be 93. I was in the bathtub crying and had a really nice chat with him. I asked him how he did it and afterwards I felt so hopeful, then the next day....

Why does praying not work for me? True, I'm agnostic, and when I do pray I do this, "If there is anyone out there" speech. Stuff also came up today because I want this so bad but there is this fear I'll end up killing myself. Did you know that too much alcohol really raises breast cancer risks? What lowers them is flax seeds, so I grind those up every day. But I can't cure or prevent anything if I keep drinking like that. I'm the boy who cried wolf, I'm a freaking broken record. I'm too addicted, but it's every third day that I want it. Three is the magic number. Why can't I stop if I made this blog? I am trying so many things, but it is so dangerous for me because it's always at night when I'm alone and feel lonely as Hell. I've lost friends and my old co-workers probably think I'm a nut job. When I drink I can get crazy rude. I know for a fact that one guy I dated thinks I'm bi-polar. It's me playing the stupid victim and feeling that the world owes me one when I'm drunk. I can go way back to 1st grade when my grades plummeted and I didn't make any friends. I was pretty much a loser and I didn't know why. this went all the way up to high school. Then my first radio job everyone there made fun of my poor grammar skills and my boss even told me that sometimes I sounded 'dumb' on the air. And I was this strong-personality drama queen for most of my adolescence. I also have a family who is well off so I get stabbed for that, too. Then I had to find out who my real friends were because I became a local celebrity, but I didn't make any money and my father seemed disappointed.

You know, even though I haven't succeeded yet long-term it feels great to write out my feelings. I seriously needed an outlet. And I'm crying as I type. Why can't the cravings just vanish? Why can't we be conditional beings just for the good behaviors? I'm a very good person, I'm not stupid. I'm beautiful (you should see my Halloween photos I took with my friend who is an amazing photographer), I'm insanely creative.

When I drink I can be a total obnoxious monster.

Ha ha I told a friend that quitting is like being the 'reverse Hulk'. You are this monster that is slowly shrinking down to a normal person, but you are in so much pain as you shrink.

Well I made some great food stuffs today thanks to Giada's Everyday Italian show. I didn't take pictures. Wait I have some dip left. Okay. Look up "Healthy Snacks" from her show on www.foodtv.com. I made baked crunchy salmon fish sticks with Vegenaise (she used low-fat mayo), plain yogurt (I used goat yogurt), dijon mustard, and chopped dill (she uses Italian parsley and I didn't have any). Super easy and so delish! Then I made her spinach and white bean dip and made cucumber sticks to dip in. I love cooking for myself. It's pure love. Now that's romanticizing myself. I have to stay off the wine. I hate doing this alone. It does really suck, but it will be so rewarding in so many ways if I stick to it. Clearer skin and organs, I'll keep my friends, etc, etc. Okay I think I'll go reward myself with bubble gum-colored lip gloss. I hear that color is all the rage now.

Peace and love,

~Smobergirl

Day one.

Is there anyone out there?