Goin' Green in '13

Okay this was supossed to be about my lovely plan for next year and how I'm going to ban sweatshops and only buy local and organic fare (food, clothes, makeup) but honestly I need more clothes because I'M FREEZING MY BUTT OFF. No I have every clothing item I need I should just layer up. Got the heat cranked to 75 and it's 10 outside. The water heater broke, my oven isn't working and the dishwasher has a clogged puddle on the bottom WHY??? Everything breaks at once. But you know, it is so very true that happiness is inside you. I really don't mind to be honest. I think it's the cold almond milk and okay, iced coffee, I drank which are making me shiver. I still get very warm water just not scalding which I don't have to have, I still got a nice bath out of it. The dishwasher still functions with said clogged filter, sorta, and duh I can hand wash you lazy bum! Those attempted baked sweet potato fries ended up being tasty raw sticks that actually tasted like carrots. Life is still good! There's your lesson. Make what you weren't expecting good. And get some damn warmer clothes on woman.

Breakfast: Chocolate Shakeology with fresh strawberries, chia, maca, and frozen banana. Lunch: Big-ass kale salad. Dinner: Vegan brownie, almond milk, and two Amy's black bean vegan burritos smothered in TJ's hot sauce. Hey it's New Years Eve and I had a par-tay in my mouth. Iced coffee.

It's 9:00 pm and I'm hitting the hay early. I watched the tribute to Dick Clark, which as delightful and emotional. Well I mean now I'm in my bed and I'll be playing on my laptop until I pass out. SOBER pass out. I did 'Swan Arms' on my Ballet Beautiful DVD and can we say lactic acid? There is much pain in grace, let me tell ya, but if I want those slender arms...


Happy New Year!!

Stay warm,

Smobergirl

bad influence

At least I'm not.....and.....


Eating a plate of bacon, in bed, sharing with the cat, and it's WONDERFUL.

To each his own when it comes to overcoming a bad habit. I'll say now I blame the holidays, but maybe it's the best time so you can indulge in sweets, ham, and other indulgences instead of cigarettes and alcohol. When I first succeeded in a 6-month quit in 2002 which really didn't seem to be a big deal, what helped me was one frapuccino with whip a night for a week. Everyone is different. I know that alcohol is full of sugar and carbs so I immediately want the sweet stuff, and salt to counter-act the sugar I guess. During my big 1-year-ish quit in 2010-11 I first gained five pounds (Two dinners per night, anyone?) then two months to six later I lost a total of 30. When you quit smoking it is normal to gain 5, and only five folks. So don't worry that you'll become obese if you quit smoking. Just be wise in the long-term. I became the smoothie queen after I quit. That really helped my mind, my weight, and my esteem. Mmmm....bacon. Yeah like drinking a week ago, the excuse that I'd stop next year, I'm going pescotarian/vegan in 2013 so I gorged on the last four bacon strips. Cheat before the NY. For the record I sopped up the crap out of my griddle with paper towels while the strips were cooking, then patted them down with more on a plate. "Mopping" up is very smart, especially on pizza. I'm also exercising like a MF. What happened was is that Trader Joe's opened late November, and this month I ran into a package of their apple wood-smoked bacon and my auto pilot just grabbed it.  I had no control honestly. It's been sitting in the fridge for week and I couldn't let it go bad! You know it will be strawberry smoothies tomorrow. I think I'll try to make a visually non-puke colored one tomorrow and do strawberry, orange, acai, chia, and maca. Mmmmm. I also obeyed my 'good with the bad' rule tonight and drank 2 glasses of lemon-cucumber water after the bacon.

I still feel more bonded with my family. My father called tonight. My annual AZ trip with my mom is in a month, and then I visit Dad in Cali before April. Life is good and I am blessed. And bacon twice a year won't kill ya. It's the holidays. Even my idols say indulge!

Love,

SG

Hell Week is over.

Une semaine

I feel more connected to my family. The 'rents came over last night and really liked my 'clean' place (They didn't see me run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for four hours. That was my workout.) I got into another lazy rut after my mom came for 'early Christmas'. Now everything is spotless. I'm so relieved. Sometimes it takes guests for you to "Spring clean".

No craves, well a few minor ones but the AB (I found it in a purse) prevented any action. I've been working out like crazy and I'm back into fitting into the Gap/Banana Republic/J. Crew standard size 2 and xs. The hot yoga works and I went to a challenging power class this week from one of my favorite teachers I haven't been to in ages. After hot yoga, everything else is cake. I also got Ballet Beautiful on DVD and I signed up for pilates classes at a new gym. I also got free passes to a gym right next to me. I am ready to jump-start the new year. Now I just need to replace the kettlebell I swung on the floor, causing sand to go everywhere. I love that workout. That and a gazillion chaturangas is really toning up my guns which I've been complaining were too fat most of my life. Total ego boost.

I did eat my weight in pork products on Christmas, but after then it was temple food except for the occasional bite of Christmas sweets and vegan brownies. I did try to eat a garlic and cheese pizza yesterday but I had the visualization of gobs of saturated fat clogging my arteries. It was delicious though so I was in plenty of split-decision pain and agony. Breakfast has been avocado or tomato toast. I made a 'green' strawberry banana lemon smoothie today (found on my smoothie blog http://www.radiantsmoothies.blogspot.com) which actually turned brown but it's quite tasty. More vegan cafes are popping up and I'm visiting Sage's more so that's nice. I look awesome. I'm fitting into clothes better, and my energy is coming back.

SG

5:15

The past two mornings I've been waking up at exactly 5:15. Yesterday I went to a friend's hot yoga class at 6:00 and she and I were the only ones, we had a great time giggling and sweating. I realize that I need to make goals for cleaning up my act. A friend yesterday brought up my last drunk post, which was Saturday on the social network, and that made my last half of the day miserable. However waking up at 5:15 again made me smile and my hopes are up once again. No yoga at 6 for I was dog tired all day about two hours after the 'private session' with my friend. After this I'll try to go back to sleep. I got another stone Buddha to go with the one I got for my birthday in 2010 and that makes me serene as well.

Goals: I have the annual Arizona trip with my mom on the first week of February. I only have four instant iced coffee packs left and I either tossed or gave away holiday treats containing sugar that I have received. Shards of glass! (see Dr. Oz) I set my alarm for 8:30 and I'll make a smoothie of pineapple, coconut oil, banana, romaine, spinach, maca, and chia seeds. You know a spoonful of chia can tie you over until your next meal. Apples are also fantastic for that. The exercise goal is to mix up my workout for a month. I have my kettle bell and Ballet Beautiful DVDs, yoga, five spinning passes, and I think that should do it. Fruit for breakfast, soup and salad for lunch, veggies, fish, and grains for dinner. No sugar, switching to the boatloads of tea I have in the pantry (for Christmas I even got a tea strainer to-go mug and a cast iron tea pot), no dairy, and no processed food including bread. Alcohol is sugar and don't let me go into what is in cigarettes. I can't turn a blind eye anymore and this blog is not serving it's purpose. I'm also sick of being a broken record and beating myself up because I haven't been successful and not a good role model. Well, I'm trying. Hey it's early ;) The point is working out works and eating better helps maintain my goals. When you drink crap you also tend to eat crap. When I work out I don't even think about smoking. It's gotten to the point where I'll have to work out 5-6 days a week. But hey is that bad? Not only food can improve your mood but a good workout can make you elated! Even though I was sleepy all day, I was calm and focused yesterday because I went to hot yoga at freaking 6 am.

Love,

SG

Day five

Much, much better

I ate almost the whole batch of macadamia nut and sun-dried tomato mash on romaine leaves with a glass of lemon water before and after.  I feel serene. Mac nuts, although full of healthy monounsaturated fat, have a lot of vitamin B, E, protein, fiber, and they help lower cholesterol.

I am sleepy. If you cannot sleep, cherries and walnuts help. And apparently macadamia nuts and sun-dried tomatoes. That mash is super easy to make:

Blend 1 1/2 cups of macadamia nuts and 2 tablespoons of fresh lemon juice in a food processor. Then add 1/2 cup chopped SD tomatoes and 1/4 teaspoon of celtic, Himalayan, or sea salt. Blend. Then place in a bowl and stir in 2 tablespoons of any type of parsley, chopped. Wrap in collard greens or like I did on a romaine leaf and sprinkle with ground pepper. Or I will give you permission to eat it with a spoon.

Goodnight, I feel 100% better. Although the AB is still MIA.

Love,

SG

Okay maybe it is.

A craving is like an off switch. Everything you said about 'never again' gets shut off and you just want to have a good time. A warm glass of red wine in front of the TV watching Christmas shows blocks out any fear of what you might say on the internet three hours later. I was in denial about the holidays being tough, I wanted to be tough. I can't find the Antabuse (the 'get sick on alcohol' med) this morning and I skipped yesterday. I had no reaction last night. However white wine tends to make me angry and I get more sentimental on red, so at least I was mostly lovey-dovey, but still a bit weepy. What I am craving now is grape must. I think I've talked about it before. It's an Italian non-alcoholic grape juice made from the peels. It's good stuff. I also had 'temple' food today (as in treat your body like a temple) having kale salad, peppermint tea, lemon water, and a veggie stir fry. It's macadamia nut and sun-dried tomato mash tonight. It's mac nuts, SD tomatoes, parsley, sea salt, pepper, and lemon juice. Snyder calls it nut pate.

Holidays are tough. I'm alone this year. I think that's the big thing. The AA book "Denial Is Not A River In Egypt" is a huge truth. I also feel burnt out. I feel empty and tired. Yesterday I felt a beam of hope and I was bouncing off the walls. That's the power of depressants: They make you 'depressed'. I feel more guilt, reputation a bit tattered on FB, a little hopeless but if I only find that Antabuse! (I payed $153 for that little sucker.)

I do believe in karma and I really want to be the best role model I can, not bash my old work or get sloppy on the social network. That part of 'me' is not me. It would be perfect if everyone understood but I have to understand that probably not everyone will. I don't want to ruin my new jobs or anymore friendships. I have to accept that I lose judgment after 4-5 glasses of wine. Why do I need it? Yes I also had the excuse of starting over on January 1, 2013. That isn't going to happen, I'm stopping now. You hear me. When I crave I will visit this page. I will also make a phone call for help. Great now I'm going to cry after I just took a bath and put hydrating oil on my face. I keep reading that oil is actually better for your skin than creams or lotions. My goal is to just use coconut or olive oil as a moisturizer. This blog is also about food and heck why not put it on your body? Eating tomatoes is also a natural light sunblock and lemons can fade sun spots applied topically.

Tomorrow will be much better. The bouncing off the walls was due to a surprise Christmas check. I was thinking I could use a little of it to join a gym with a steam room which is good for your health, and hair if you put conditioner in it and sit there for a while. I also found a gym with that and a pool. I'll get a massage, have my sore knee checked, donate blood on Wednesday, and I really want that Solange-Azagury-Partrigde ring. Don't tell anyone. That's about four months worth of wine and cig money. So no bingeing for at least that long (although you know the goal is forever). Then I will put the rest in my money market. You have to invest smartly. Imagine how much would be in your savings if you didn't drink, smoke, or go to the coffee shop for twenty years. You could buy a Porsche with that. I also have to thank family for the lovely lavender gifts. When you quit it's excellent to be armed with stress relievers. I got a soap, lotion, sachet, and lavender dark chocolate. Rescue Remedy spray is also awesome. Yes I can use that money for an out-patient program and maybe I will. Especially if I can't find my meds man. They are here somewhere. I also got a deal for spinning/pilates/or training classes at that fancy gym. I also feel good because I gave to several charities this year. Girls, some websites give all the proceeds from jewelry and clothes you buy to charities, or better yet you can buy goods made from women with HIV or earrings made from melted bullet shells from foreign civil wars, something made good out of something harmful. Just google it.

I love you for reading. I'm still alive and I have my dignity. You have to keep remembering that not everyone will understand what you are going through and don't expect them to do so. "What you think of me is none of my business." That's a good mantra to keep.

Love,

Smobergirl

It's not like it's the end of the world

I slipped. The crazy thing is that I called the pharmacy yesterday afternoon, with cigs and wine in my car, ordering a prescription refill of Antabuse to pick up today. I took my first pill this morning. Again, I didn't want to spend the $153 but I have to. I have to.

I also officially became a non-perfectionist as of today. I discovered the website Goop and there's a nice blog on there about perfectionism. There was also a nice pair of $99 yoga leggings I had to have on the site because Gwyneth Paltrow designed them. Sucker. I also had another wake up call exchanging Christmas presents with a friend. Being blunt but a true friend, she told me that I speak very eloquently in general but I have 'stage fright' on the air, which I have been kicking myself for 20 years about that. Why? Why can't I just snap out of it and sound perfect (aha) ? It's like the 'deer in the headlights' switch turns on automatically. I really don't suck (that much) and we all make mistakes. I have heard some of the best make complete train wrecks. I think it's because I was teased at my first job and I can't let that feeling go, but I will now. The end of the world is a good place to start, which some folks believe that the end of the Mayan Calendar means new beginnings. So there ya go. Lesson learned, and I do have some of the best friends and family around. And some cute new leggings coming my way. Hey it's basically two binge nights' worth of cash there.

Love,

SG

The biggest lesson

1000 posts yesterday. Luckily not that many relapses, but this isn't the time to be funny because I had one last night. Being a broken record hurts. I could had been clean for a thousand days. What happened? No Antabuse, because I was stingy with money and part of me wanted to give in and part of me thought I wouldn't give in. The junkie in me wanted to start over on New Year's Day, of course! I work weekly for one more week in the morning and maybe there is a God because that, and the fact my mother is in town for the holidays would keep me off it. Then I would curse when I craved. I'm serious about this karma thing and now a higher power of some sort because there's been events that prevent me from drinkin' and a smokin' not being on the 'sick on alcohol' drug. Lack of funds, work, visitors. It's been really weird. Good weird, but I managed to sneak it in last night. Nats and Austrailian wine. I already cried three times today, once at Life Of Pi for the second time. The cry was a great excuse because the movie is a tear-jerker so I got away with really crying because I felt horrible. I now have another pit in my stomach. Will you ever learn? That's why it's called addiction? Even getting the wine and cigs there was the "no no no" inside my head. "I'll put my phone and computer in the car again, then I'll get them right back out to text or email someone when I get all excited." I was actually scared getting the stuff for fear of who I'd email or text next, "Poor me I'm a victim how dare you." That's exactly what happened. Poor me. This is why, I've been teased most of my life and now I just want to scream back. Since I was 6 to 41 someone finds a flaw in me to make fun of. And I can't handle it. I have to stop being a pussy and deal with life. Someone once told me, this is kind of related, that no matter how hard you try to be the best person you can, you will still manage to piss someone off. Be it jealousy, your hair-do, your fur coat, the way you laugh, whatever.

It isn't worth it if you are in the same boat I'm in. You don't want to live the next day. You want to curl up in your bed and not move. One cheap thrill gives you all of this: Guilt, maybe losing friends, anguish, headaches, not exercising, maybe a bad reputation, maybe trouble with your job, shame. I'm calling the pharmacy first thing in the morning. The $150 a month is worth saving me.

I craved the hangover food of course but I wasn't too terrible. I had an omelet with avocado, salsa, and ortega chiles for brunch. Evil fake nachos with jalapeños and popcorn at the movie. Real nachos with black beans, evil melty white cheese, the hottest salsa known to man, and guacamole.

I texted three friends today what happened I haven't heard back, the pit gets heavier. I work in the morning and I just want to sleep in. However I can bury myself in my bed tonight. I can't be more sorry.

I did get a wake up call this morning. I play victim then I go ahead and bully that person out. Why did this start in my 30s? Loneliness? Feeling that no one wants to be with me? That jobs haven't treated me the way I want to be treated? Feeling rejected is not getting your way. Maybe I'd 'had it.' I had a friend tell me a few years ago, who's about 22, say how heartbroken he/she is. I wanted to say I've been through the ringer and you don't know heartbreak brothah/sistah. It's not fair and you have to be tough. Lessons, not regrets remember? I'm still crying. I have no shoulder. I could keep trying but it's late. Then I think maybe I don't deserve a shoulder. I did a lot of self-loathing today and not any love. Then I thought life is what you make it and humans make the rules. Love yourself don't hate.

HOORAY a friend just got back with me. Thank you friend. You need your pals. She's telling me I'm really sensitive (so so true!). I do worry about hurting other's feelings and think it's the end of the world when I do. But what about me? I hurt my own feelings in the process. You have to love yourself and others. I'm also a hypocrite being a yogi. That's it I'm becoming a Buddhist.

Love,

SG

*note: I didn't call the pharmacy until December 20. I promise to you and to myself to stay on it for at least six months. My year quit actually required me staying on it for a year. I will give you an update.

Lessons, not regrets

This is an important rule. I was the queen of beating myself up now I have to realize I am only human, and not the dumbest, craziest, clumsiest (name an adjective)...

I am 41 and I repeated something I had done yesterday (a mistake) when I was 21. Immediately I think, "I am stupid, I will always do this, I'm lazy, not focused. Just fire me!" Then I came home today from running errands, had a cry, and decided to stop the inner abuse. Reasons why I drank and smoked: Loneliness, it felt good, and to escape the feeling that everyone thinks that I am a total moron. I also grew up being teased and my first job I was excited about I was ridiculed by co-workers. I just made a mistake. I get another shot at just focusing more and taking the job more seriously next week, and I need to wipe away the mean co-workers and bully classmates who don't exist anymore. Also is it me, but the more nervous I get the 'dumber' I seem. Sometimes I can't even speak in real sentences when I'm on edge. Please tell me this is normal. Hmmm maybe I'll google that. Or, you are what you think. Say, you think, "I hope I don't screw up" and of course you do because you thought that. Is the mind that mysterious? "No, you're just an idiot." :) With the first job yesterday where I made the mistakes, I was actually highly praised for my strengths. I was just reminded to be sharper using the equipment. That wasn't an insult. My fingers were not being quick that's all, but my mouth was perfect. Now I don't have to tell you that we humans are very talented at looking at the crappy stuff we did and forgetting our real talents.

At my second job last night, however, I cared less what people thought and of course I nailed everything.

Lessons...

I'll focus and relax next week and give you a full report.

Never beat yourself up. Always pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Pat your back often.

Love,

SG

The nuts have me

...or I am nuts. Or I'm just mindlessly eating. Or the new Utah Trader Joe's is turning me into a different kind of addict.

I remember in yoga teacher training one of the instructors explained how food can nourish you by you having the food, or how you can get out of control by "the food having you". Or is it the food eating you? Try this meditation: Sit quietly with a bowl of grapes, nuts, berries, cooked rice or other grain...something healthy. Now close your eyes and slowly chew that food. Picture it going down your esophagus. What is the food doing to your body or what will it? Breathe deeply. Do this for five to ten minutes. I hope you feel as fantastic as when I do this exercise. Luckily I catch myself thinking about cigs and alcohol using this visual technique without actually smoking or drinking. I just close my eyes and visualize the acts. The smoke entering my lungs, not all of it coming back out, some of it settling on my tissue. The wine going through my bloodstream and sending signals to my brain, beating on my dopamine levels, making me dizzy, elated, then angry or sad. Then I visualize the next morning. When you want to give into your vices a smart technique is pressing the FF button in your head. What did you do after you drank? Did you text, post, or email anything? Did you flirt or argue with anyone? Did you just watch mindless TV and get a headache the next morning? How was your day after?

So here I was with a bag of five TJ's chocolate-coated ginger snaps (I am a huge fan of the grocery store and when they finally opened in my state last Friday I happily bought snacks I've never tried before) and a glass of almond milk in front of the TV. No I didn't press Fast Forward, I was too busy enjoying the cookies and milk in front of a Christmas TV moment. Damn you TV and Fred Claus. One cookie turns into the five, one glass of milk into two. Then I'm out but there's still 1/2 movie left so I get the cashew bag. Oy. TV is sure evil. Need a new strategy. Yoga mat in front of TV. Yoga mat nailed to floor in front of TV. Weights on rack nailed to the floor in front of TV. :) I'll think of something. Dinner was almond tea (hey I apparently was a nut tonight) and a Caesar salad with grilled salmon. Could be PMS or the healthy dinner because boy it was snack time when I got home!

At least...

I ain't...

...and it's definitely hot yoga at noon tomorrow!

Love,

Smobergirl

33 days

Letting go

Notice a pattern? Oh I'm a month clean. Woot! So, about 15 years ago I was diagnosed with mild anxiety. I've always been on my toes about worrying about just about everything since I was six. However now I have this fun, relaxing life. I have another media job that is extremely lenient which is rare and the other jobs are fun and I'm in control. So how come I still have this nagging voice in the back of my head of worry and alarm? Am I conditioned? Do I blame the past jobs which had me chewing on my nails? It's not the same anymore, and I need to learn how to enjoy life and relax once and for all. What I need to keep up is eating calming foods, maybe limit the caffeine or eliminate it, and keep up the hot yoga. Maybe get a massage. Keep playing with el gato. Watch funnier movies. You know I have this love/hate thing with my iced coffee, well more love but I hope it's not interfering, that's why I have experimented with nixing it for a month and I did feel better. Oh what's a girl to do? ;)

It's a dreary cloudy day, which I secretly like. I just wish we'd get more snow. Breakfast: water, iced coffee, and sesame Ezekiel toast with avocado and pink salt. I have a strawberry, banana, and kiwi smoothie in the fridge from yesterday. Feeling much better. I have eliminated dairy 95%. I am back to eating salmon which feels nice. Tons of salads still. My new thing is sprouts on everything, bitter green salads, and nut pate wraps in romaine. I'm still the romaine and butter lettuce, and endive, wrap queen. Endive makes an excellent cracker and chip substitute. My only downfall besides coffee maybe now is the chocolates from the new Trader Joe's that just opened. TJ's! The good thing is that they have fruits and veg you can't find anywhere else. I got a bag of mini sweet potatoes which I baked last weekend and they were caramelly and amazing. Just a little coconut oil and sea salt are delicious on those.

Just one crave but luckily I had TJ's (like that segue?) dark chocolate salted turbinado sugar almonds on hand. Don't get near the dark chocolate ginger cookies either. Pure kryptonite. Anything but smokin' and drinkin'!


SG

One month and two days

Calming down

Well maybe I should go anyway, but I was watching Dr. Oz at the time of my last post and he was talking about warning signs for different ailments, so I was afraid I may be dying. As you know by now I analyze everything. Now Snyder did say don't jump head first into a detox for you can experience headaches, nausea, fatigue, and the like. My serotonin meds also have a dizziness warning and I just barely switched to full-dose when my doc said I had the choice to do that or stick with 1/2. I pick up a new bottle tomorrow and 1/2 it is.

That fruit smoothie was sure delicious. Next meal is a salad with nut pate wraps. Snore. Yeah something's making me really relaxed.

Love,

SG

Almost a month!

Maybe I should see my doc?

Tired again. I hope I don't have sleep apnea. The slight headaches, irritability, and fatigue could be the detox. But I have moments where I have plenty of energy to exercise. It could be the heavy sweating every other day or so. I am supposed to feel more energy with the vitamin B12 injections, but I feel calmer and I'm losing weight. I am still painting and having a good time. You know, I did take a hot bath this morning and ate a hot lunch. That could make me sleepy. But I did make an awesome smoothie: Pineapple, mango, coconut yogurt, and orange. Mmmmm.

I'll see if I recover by the end of this weekend, if not I'll call the doc.

Love,


SG

I am an artist!

I don't know what I should blame, or just myself, for procrastinating. All I wanted to do for the last month it seems is lay on my couch all day and go to bed at 8. Then today a miracle happened. I played guitar for five minutes, which turned into 30. I also almost completed my painting and started another one. Both of these are extremely meditative and if I had one wish it would be to concentrate on something like these quietly all day. I picked up the guitar right where I left off a month ago, and I keep being reminded how good of a painter I am. I stumbled upon the ebook years ago called Portia The Pig who tries to find her true calling, and she discovers that she is an artist. Petty cool! So even if you don't feel like it, pick up that thing and just say you'll do five minutes. I guarantee you'll go much longer if it is your passion.

SG

Get off yer butt!

Well one out of three ain't bad. I went to hot yoga and finally ran into a friend who works there, and we sweated side by side. Guitar and painting WILL commence tomorrow. I am the broken record but you gotta sweat every day. It's even more important if you are quitting a bad habit. Plus it makes you drink more water! Every quit therapy for smoking I've taken, they say "Drink more water!". When you quit alcohol well, what does alcohol do to you? So you should keep hydrated! And I get 'high' after a hard workout. So there ya go. I think the emergen-c and this recovery drink I got in a Klutch Club box did the trick. I even had boatloads of energy in that 75 minute class. It was only towards the end when I couldn't hold boat pose and I was shaking like a leaf. I wonder why you sweat the most after you stop. When I lay in savasana that's when it all gushes out. I know gross. But I'm getting the bad stuff out.

Less and less. Food that is, and I pay more attention to what I put in my body. With all the nut pate wraps and salad I felt like I ruined it with gelato and damn you whipped cream in a can. I should just toss it. I think instead of sugar I'll let myself have the rest of my pasta in the pantry before I switch to quinoa and rice. I do have this healthy, chunky olive and tomato pasta sauce waiting. Plus now I eat a salad before lunch and dinner. Okay I'm going to pass out now. Oh pain is about 99.9 percent gone. Woot.

SG

Carpe Diem

So My shoulder is about 90% better and it's been a week since I've gone to hot yoga, so I'm going tonight.

Also, it's been more than a week (ashamed to say exactly how long) since I've practiced guitar...

I should finish that painting to go above my bed too.

Disposal being replaced on Friday.

Our first Trader Joe's opens on Friday also. Do I brave it?

I just made Snyder's pine nut parmesan and it's an amazing dressing/dip. Soaking nuts for tonight's nut pate over spinach.

Armed with green powder, Emergen-C, and Bayer.

Love,

SG

I...hurt myself today

OW! I woke up at 4 am and I slept wrong or something, because I felt a sharp pain at the base of my neck. A hot bath and muscle gel didn't make it go away, but it is healing and not nearly as bad as it was. So hot yoga has been postponed to tomorrow.

I am also tired, but Snyder would be proud of me, kinda, today so far minus my presssshus iced coffee and oven-dried stuffing for salad breadcrumbs. I had a GG for breakfast and a huge romaine and parsley salad with avocado, brewers yeast, lime juice, pomegranate seeds, dried stuffing, and roasted pumpkin seeds for lunch. It was very Thanksgiving leftover-tasting goodness. I feel totally satisfied. Three weeks quit and I still feel like I'm getting over a sickness. Now I'm injured. Boo hoo. Well I have my house work, Christmas wrapping, painting, and guitar playing I am physically able to do here at home although I just want a nap.

SG

HOLY GOOD SWEET PATATA!!!

Okay I can die now. Snyder's Basic Yams are anything but. Plus she has two other yam dishes I gotta try now after these. I used garnet yams and they were about 1 1/2 inches thick, so I cut them into rounds.

2 pounds organic yams cut in to 1 1/2 pieces
1 T coconut oil
1/8 t Celtic or Himalayan salt (I used Real Salt made right here in Salt Lake City)

That's it!!!

Pre-heat oven to 375. Lay yams on a baking sheet (I put them on parchment paper). Bake for 1 1/2 hours. Holy goo balls they get caramelly and some even charred that tasted EXACTLY like toasted marshmallows. I know, char=bad evil but I had to have a teensy bit of it. I spread the coconut oil over the tops while still hot and sprinkled on the salt. Apparently these will make you look beautiful! If so I'm having them every stinking night. Snyder recommends these for dinner preceded by the Sunday Salad or the Dharma's Kale Salad. Homework is done.

I was also inspired to use coconut oil as a lip balm and hair frizz-tamer. You know it's an excellent moisturizer. And now I'm smelling goooooood. Coconut oil smells a lot better than cigarette smoke and alcohol seeping through your pores, FYI.

Night,

SG

Day 23

Peace of mind

I didn't have to spend any money today, but I did throw in $10 for gas to have peace of mind. I got $70 from the consignment shop and put $60 in the bank. Good girl.

I had a hot water with lemon and a GGS for breakfast, Vietnamese veggie noodle soup for lunch with um maybe a gelato with whip for a snack, one iced coffee which I wasn't really feeling good physically drinking, a hard-boiled local farm egg, and for dinner I was much healthier eating Snyder's Sunday Salad and her Basic Yam recipe is in the oven that goes with the salad. I lived off of her raw lasagna for a week once and I already started to look and feel better. So 6 outta eight ain't bad eh?

DAIRY. The one thing my friends and family say they can never give up is cheese, which is the last thing Snyder gave up. I will again attempt to go dairy-free, for I felt my best when I went vegan for 40 days and 40 nights about five years ago, even though I'm not religious. No not even goat cheese, just DF cold turkey.

APPRECIATING. This is one of the Mellissa Joy Manning pieces I have. I got it around this time last year on sale, probably Cyber Monday. It is natural stone and I forgot what it is, but I covet it. I don't need more even though I cried I missed out on this year's sale. So what? It's all material. You know what I do appreciate myself the most for is keeping jewelry of sentimental value over anything else. I'm not a huge jewelry wearer, but wearing things with meaning makes me the happiest. Knowing that this is a natural element and the company uses sustainable practices, warms my heart as well. And maybe I have a girl crush on Snow who recommended MJM on her show.

No workout but I'm going to hot yoga tomorrow.

Gotta go, I've got salad, mom on the phone, and DWTS on all at the same time.

Love,

SG

Cyber mayhem

I think my Safari quit for the first time blogging because the internets must be busy due to Cyber Monday. Hmmm maybe. I was chatting about only eating when you are hungry and make sure you eat enough of the good stuff. I deprived myself for dinner at 6:00 eating a little kale salad, the top of an Amy's personal pizza, and the whipped cream on my gelato. By 9 I was ravenous so I had leftover mashers and a water with a splash O' cherry juice.


Topic #2: Did I tell you to appreciate what you have? I think I'm intelligent with finances then I substitute my bad vices with shopping. I admit all of my X-mas shopping is almost done and I had fun supporting local businesses. Then yesterday and today the evil emails poured in for "Pre-Cyber Monday" sales. This year they invented sales before the sales! What will they think of next. So I went a little crazy spending $25 here and $49 there and then the shock set in when I barely scraped by at the grocery store because of it! My eyes opened again when I got an email for 25% off my favorite eco-jewelery site. "Dammit!" I thought, then I remembered oh yeah I have plenty of lovely things from them. It's Melissa Joy Manning out of a California studio. I found them from Sara Snow's TV show and fell in love with their natural stones and recycled metals. I do support them so go shop for me and get a little something nice for the holidays. http://www.melissajoymanning.com. Also check out locals http://thecopperphoenix.com (the prices are insanely reasonable), http://www.tattooedtinker.com, JLB Designs which can be found at Maison boutique, and http://www.kathleencarricaburu.com. I also freaked because today online it's 10-point day on the Nordstrom site, but guess what, I don't need anything! I just felt the pressure to buy but now it's a relief knowing I won't. Those member cards are not healthy in all honesty. So I chilled and thought SG what happened to loving and wanting what you already have? Then you'd be able to afford gas this week. Well new game plan. Don't drive (well I have a little gas) I mean I am truly blessed. I went to the grocer's just in time to stock up on clean eating this week. I got goods for a tropical smoothie, micro-greens and herbage and romaine for salads and wraps, one avo, coconut yogurt, I still have nuts for paté, I have forbidden rice, shit loads of tea and coffee, lentils, garnet yams, garlic, cilantro, frozen acai packets, Emergen-C, Shakeology, seaweed snacks, snack bars, granola bites, almond milk...I think this is a great blessing in disguise. Now I can't go out and eat bad food. But I do have some ice cream, sugary iced-coffee instant evilness, and whip left. What's a girl to do? Hey, I ain't drinkin' and I ain't smokin'. Baby. Steps. Okay now I will read more recipes in Snyder's book.

I am also blessed to have two more weeks of Groupon hot yoga and DAY-YANG I have a Living Sosh deal for a vegan cafe. I'm loaded. I don't needs no moneys. Then I'll be in the green again literally on Thursday.

Love love love,

SG

One week and one day

Learning to love good food, or listen to reality.

I've been on this whipped cream and Vinto gelato kick all week, thinking 'well it's not cigs nor alcohol', along with eating chewy home made breads and artisan cheese. Then I had some blackberries today. I was thirsty for them! They were the best blackberries I've ever had even though they were the few five left over from two weeks ago. I scarfed up a kale salad. I felt so refreshed and rewarded making an apple, mint, spinach, cucumber, and celery smoothie this morning. Then I yo-yoed tonight and had trouble eating the bread and cheese from an Amy's pizza (though it tasted so delicious) and local honey orange gelato with a pile of whipped cream from the can. I think, it tastes good but I don't want this coursing through my body. Even as I kid I once thought how do I taste this and not digest it? Thank God I never became bulimic nor anorexic.

I now am back in the yoga routine. I have my mat at the foot of the bed and I roll onto it every morning.  I got in front of the mirror today and did bird on a wire on one leg! Must be Jillian's squats or the hot yoga. Or bounding up the stairs.

So I dyed my hair black cherry and I think it's gorgeous. I really thought I wanted the dark chestnut or ombre celebrity look, but even sometimes celebs have hair faux pas. I thought I wanted a look so men would like me, but I am loving this dark purpleness. I see it on others and thought it looked cool but not for me, but it did something to my confidence. It looks amazing on short hair. I feel smoldering and sharp. It feels pretty awesome. Even my dad raved, and he's the hard to please one.

Along with the sweets, I have another plan to eliminate coffee. I have a cupboard-full of instant coffees, and it will probably last until 2013. So after I am done with that I also have a boat load of teas, and for black Friday I even got more 'beauty tea'. Oy black Friday. Killed me, but it was fun while it lasted. Holiday marketing keeps getting earlier. Not only do decorations pop up in the stores now on November 1, but this is the first year I've heard of "Pre-Black Friday" sales on Wednesday. What? I already have my "Early Cyber Monday" shopping done. Tomorrow just won't be as exciting. Well I'm out of dough for now so no biggie. I'm glad I have a new girlfriend to shop with but bit it's hard not to shop for yourself when you two go out! I got a hot oxblood number and my abs actually looked flat in it. She oohed and ahhed and it did make my boobs look amazing and it was 15% off if I donated a coat to charity so you know I just had to do it. This quit is all about self-esteem and thanks to hot yoga I looked pretty amazing, and my lower abs are zipping up. Aaaand the crazy purple-black hair looks incredible with oxblood.

The Antibuse is still keeping everything in check and quite frankly, I learned after my last relapse which really felt awful and not pleasurable, it's just not worth it. I'd rather feel good, and I saw Dr. Mehmet Oz say last week, if you change the universe inside your body it will change your outside universe.

Love,

SG

Three weeks

More energy.

Shot #2 of B12 today and I feel much better. I also ate hot chowder and evil clogging sourdough and I didn't get tired. However, it's GG and salad before dinner tomorrow. ;)

I have almost all of my Christmas shopping done, and I saved enough to get some crazy things for myself at H&M. There's this far-out Belgian designer I discovered through them and his French house line is Maison Martin Margiella. I can't believe three weeks smober will be in three days. I'm back at the country station helping with holiday vacation fill-in work. I can't tell you how good my life is. The hot yoga is toning me up. The staff at the station are the friendliest radio staff I have ever experienced and they are just as efficient, professional, and creative. Good for the soul. I do what I enjoy and enjoy the peeps I work with. The quiz night is a kick. It's something I love having control over and that's good for the esteem. The people who play are usually young career-minded folk or college students, all amazingly cool. I'm pretty lucky and thankful right now, part of that is due to cleaning myself up (never mind the quart of clam chowder and sourdough bread, and mini pomegranate merengue pie, and pumpkin stracciatella gelato). Hey I'm sweating it all out three times a week. ;) To make up for that I made a green smoothie with guava! in it. Harmons has them. Fresh guava in Utah! Well they are green and very small and definitely imported but it's guava and my smoothie was amazing. I'm also into Snyder's strategy of softening torn kale leaves in sea salt then adding brewer's yeast and lemon juice for a salad.

I darkened my hair black cherry and I got fake biscuit earrings from Chou Chou Bijoux on the website Bottica. I feel super hip and cool now, with the new addition of my MMM garb. I may be making up for my 'appreciate what I have' month. It is fun though and I love the holiays. I think my tinsel tree is going to take about 1000 lights though. Thank God I have the patience of a rock. Plus it's meditative, really. I watch movies. I like my time alone. I get soup from the Vietnamese place sometimes. I chase the cat in skivvies, I walk or run him up and down the hall clothed, okay sometimes in PJs.


I am thankful for all that I am and all that I have. Life is good and I am also pretty darned proud of myself. I even just had one small iced coffee today and a ton of water. What's up with that?

Love,

SG
Day18

No energy

I wished I hads an explanation. There's actually several plausible ones. I've been sweating like a pig at the hot yoga, I'm detoxing again, then I cave into sugar sometimes, and I stay up late and wake up early. Yeah that makes sense. But, I had that viamin B12 shot. Oh well. I get another one next week.

I made Snyder's glowing green smoothie with a knob of ginger and I actually like it better. It's pretty delish. Guess what??? I made a nut paté. Yay. It's amazing.

http://kimberlysnyder.net/blog/2012/01/17/macadamia-nut-and-sundried-tomato-mash-recipe/

Okay well I'll rest for a bit and plow through this 'quit flu'.

Love,

SG

Two weeks!

Pretty good moderation day

Well I had a good mood day. But...I didn't make the nut paté. Snyder recommends it for dinner and I always think about it...not during dinner time. Okay I'll make it when I think about it! It sounds delicious too. Macadamia nuts, sun-dried tomatoes. Yum!

Sexy at home: I broke out my favorite white RVCA sweater and wore it with a purple silk bra and maroon cords. Even feeling hot at home boosts my mood. Feeling toned after kettle bell throwing, even better! Also I thought I mastered the art of safe tanning, I used a gradual-tan lotion every day so there's no streaking and it looks natural. It's another way for me to feel beautiful. However, I just found out that one contains parabens and both have DHA. Well I have an awesome immune system and normal blood pressure and cholesterol, so is it up the ante on the green drinks and back to the drawing board? My DNA hasn't felt warped...yet. :) Well I'll do some more research. If you google natural organic self-tanners a few pop up, and I may try one or two of those and give you a report. Bugger! The others I really liked. Hey I still feel sexy. You know what is really sexy? Eat pineapple every day for a week and you'll smell delicious! Seriously. Great for date planning, even if you're pasty white. ;)

Anywho I had some of my copious stash of romaine leaves with muhammara and a little bit of the schwarma. I thought I may feel deprived eating like a rabbit all day and what ended it perfectly was two nut-free chocolate chip cookies and a glass of almond milk. It was the best cookies and milk I've ever had. I don't have a pit in my stomach neither. So I'm done. I ate before 8. Heck it's not even 7. I'll need a relaxing yoga exercise then I can go to bed. I still like to putz around online though. Baby steps. Will you just remind me to make that stinking paté tomorrow?

Love,

SG

Being especially good

I got a vitamin B12 shot today and the place was next to a cafe where a buddy recommended a smoked turkey sandwich, but I didn't give in and resorted to Snyder's 'glowing' plan. I had her Glowing Green smoothie and my black iced coffee (baby steps) for breakfast. For lunch I had a handful of pistachios my mom sent me from a local farmer's market, and this seaweed salad from a Klutch Club box. Right now I'm into subscribing to health food companies who send me samples of health and wellness items. You can find a few companies online like Klutch Club that costs $10-$20 per month, and you can go month-to-month. It definitely helps the craves and reminds me to maintain a healthy lifestyle. The seaweed salad does contain cane sugar powder (baby steps) but there's hot chili peppers in it to give it a kick and me a metabolism and serotonin boost. It's delicious. For dinner I need to get my butt in gear and make Snyder's nut pate and serve it in romaine or butter lettuce leaves I have. I bought the nuts a month ago, and parsley last week especially for it so like Nike...

I also did my kettle bell exercises today. Man it targets your abs too with all of that swinging. The next hot yoga class I'm going to is Saturday morning. I think it's Hip-Hop Abs tomorrow.

Last night I hosted the quiz at the bar. No craves just 1/2 a plate of hot wings and I ate all the veggies without the bleu cheese. I took the skins off of the wings as well. I just love buffalo sauce! Something about heat just 'burns' the craves away. I also made a first-time effort to look sexy, wear makeup, and feel confident. It sure makes a huge difference.

Love,

Smobergirl

Almost two weeks!

Worry Wart

I'm doing a no-no and blogging in bed, but I had to get a few things out, and I took a melatonin.
I was reading a health email about anxiety disorder, and worrying about everything was on the list. Ding ding ding. However so was OCD and panic attacks, both which I don't have, plus a few other qualities I don't carry. However I tend to freak out about just everything, and I'm learning. Food is definitely a factor, like too much, ahem, iced coffee and drinking depressants (the latter you know I'm off of). Then on the other hand I'm totally chill when I drink my green powder, eat my famous guac, or eat some calming pistachios or walnuts. Any nut makes me happy really. However that was today's lesson. I caught myself treating my volunteer and fun jobs with anxiety like I did with my other past jobs which kept me on my toes. The storm's over now and I am grateful to have such a happy life. I am grateful for my family, my silly gato, going to whatever movies I want to see at any time, eating my hippie food without being judged, having a cool roof over my head. Having a backup heater, getting free repair on my dish washer, getting free tire checkups. See all at once it seemed my 'stuff' was falling apart, but it's all being taken care of. I do have a leaky sink which I am leaving a bowl under and I need to call on that, but it's being taken care of for now. No worries.

Another anxiety killer is working out. I'm hitting up the hot yoga 2-3 times a week and DVDs in-between. Today it was kettlebell, tomorrow sweaty yoga and probably more chase-the-kitty-into-his-fort which is a throw blanket over my bicycle propped up against a wall. I love that little stinker.

I splurged on middle-eastern tonight and had muhammara with romaine leaves for dipping. It's a walnut-pepper-pomegranate molasses sauce that is like gold. Then I had schwarma over a salad and hummus. I have plenty left over for tomorrow's lunch. No carbs, natural sugars, lots of protein. Feeling good.

Night,

SG

B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

My heat is getting wonky again (not working) so I thank my lucky stars for my fake fireplace which blows hot air under a lightbulb flame. It has ambience. I thought it was cheesy at first but now I thank my lucky stars that I have a back up. It is a cutie actually.

Fried food=bad. I should know this. The black bean egg rolls and freshly cut steak fries I had for lunch were delicious but heavy and now I need a nap. No excuses! Wine and mint cigarettes are also tasty eh? I know to make better choices. I know it's freezing but I can make eggs, oatmeal, steamed veggies, hot grains, and tea. I'm thinking more and more about what food does to my body. The thought of fried food and carbon going into my temple is now gross, and I threw the rest away. No mas. I also have great substitutes for sugar sweets and I'll keep making those. That would be fruit with honey, smoothies, raw pudding, and raw nut cream. I made an almond frangipane last weekend and it's amazing. All it is is almonds, water, raw honey, and vanilla extract. It's a great sub for whipped cream or a light pudding. Yum!

I just need to tackle the holiday temptations. I have a great recipe for a healthy pumpkin smoothie but I just bought 2 packages of pumpkin spice instant coffee with sugar. Baby steps, and the fried food is outta here at least, so is most breads and cheeses except for goat. Something about eating chewy gobs of rubber grosses me out now. What is that doing to my body? I'm sticking to whole food now more than ever. The egg roll just threw me over the edge I guess.

Love,

SG

Day 11

Good food

Hello. I just made a quinoa pasta and even though I can't move nor zip up my pants (a cup and 1/2 isn't a serving?) I still don't feel guilty. This means no nachos for me at Argo, but I may have to get a frozen hot chocolate later and eat 1/2. I don't usually condone eating junk food but a) What is alcohol and b) during my one-year quit I ate all kinds of crap at times and didn't nearly reach the weight to when I was drinking. Booze is a powerful bloating substance.

Working out works

I did a killer kickboxing DVD today and it relieved so many ailments: tightness, anxiety, anger, worry, low self-esteem, and depression. It was Amy Bento, who kicked my ass royally, something I desperately needed. There were also a few dance elements which I appreciated with my dance background and knowing that's all Madonna does is dance. Well that and yoga, at least she used to do tons of yoga.

I didn't eat this in the dark, the flash was on. I have a great cook in the family who used this recipe from The Pioneer Woman. It's a corn cake lettuce wrap, I don't know the exact name for it and it looked way prettier when she made it. I had left overs today and threw things in the lettuce. It's pretty amazing though. I had a kale, plum, pomegranate, and apple smoothie this morning with a little oatmeal, and a hard-boiled egg for a snack. Need that protein for all of those punches.

On day one I didn't want to barf so I did a gentle yoga routine at home, Rodney Yee's hip opening sequence. Funny entertainment is also therapeutic, and after watching SNL with the fam I went to 7 Psychopaths with a friend the next day, day two. Day three here and the Antabuse is keeping me out of trouble. I got a sexy black outfit in the mail from an LNA coupon and I tell you that is confidence-boosting. Pics coming soon. I picked up a $116 check from the consignment shop and I'll see if there's anything else I don't wear or doesn't make me feel awesome. The goal now is only wear clothes that I feel flattering in. No excuses that you need a significant other to wear sexy anything, under things included!

Recap: Exercise, laughing, feeling sexy. This is my pathway out of smoking and drinking. There will be a day where I'll get off the Antabuse and I need a backup plan. Plus my mood is already skyrocketing at day three. Well I did have two months, before then six months, and before then a year smober also within the last two years, but you get the gist.

Love,

SG

Day three

Doing it right

Junkies love to make excuses. "I can take Antabuse every other day and it will still work." Means, "The day I don't take it I can probably still get away with drinking." So I slipped last night, late, and stil turned red and itchy. Then I ate then kept drinking and the redness went away. I took an Antabuse this morning and will continue to do so every morning. I am ashamed, I ranted on the social network drunk and sent some angry emails. I was pretty hurt but this is not a way to get redemption. I have friends worried about me. I am just glad that they are there.

I am drinking water with Amazing Grass Creamsicle flavor which is pretty tasty. I'm going to power yoga in an hour. Just do it, like Nike says. Working out definitely keeps the craves at bay. I may cough or gag today, but I'm doing it.

Love,

SG

Day four catch-up

Thighs...burning...

I did a kettle bell DVD workout and it's not so much my arms are sore, but my thighs from swinging the damn thing between my legs! Hurts so good. Jillian Michaels' 30 minute Weight Shred. Check it out.

Eating well, having a little iced dessert here and there. Back on the melatonin to help me sleep.

Night,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzmobergirl

Love and soup

Well it's been a while! I slipped and have been in the dumps lately, but it hasn't effected my diet, AND I'm back on the Antabuse as of today. My insurance doesn't cover it anymore but I can tell you $153 every month compared to $400 of wine and cig money, it's less than half the price, and it can save my life and reputation. No money amount should matter when it comes to your life.

That said, I'm still on the smoothie train and I am sad that I can't get to lemon spinach until next June. Boo hoo. However I'm still cranking out the watercress tangs and pineapple-cilantro smoothies. It's also pomegranate season and I throw the seeds in. Drinking alcohol can effect your bladder, so I'm also adding cranberry capsules to my diet. I lost more weight but I haven't been working out so I take the stairs and clean the place more, etc. I did do an ab video I absolutely love. There's six two-minute-ish videos you do on fitnessmagazine.com. Back to the diet, it's soup time and I've been eating tons! Still up with the salads: kale, butter lettuce, baby spinach, arugula, and romaine. I pick one then put brewer's yeast on it with a little lemon juice and dulce flakes. I'm also now 'addicted' to sea salt and avocado on toasted slices of Ezekiel Sesame bread. Try pink, grey, or black medium-grain salt, it gives it a little crunch.

What kept me out of trouble was working temporarily every morning at ten. Then I went right back into trouble when it ended. For me, something to physically stop me is the only thing that works. I'm also grateful that Antabuse has no side-effects for me. During the job if I craved I would get a frozen hot chocolate and eat 1/4 to 1/2 of it. Getting one tonight thanks very much. The thing is that I have to stop being ashamed and feeling worthless. Like I said before, people don't have to understand. Usually only alcoholics understand other alcoholics. And don't blame your family for getting the gene either. They probably struggle(d) as much as you do.

I'm doing better and I need to let the bad stuff go. I know I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it...

Smobergirl

Day one.

Food is effective

Have you seen those articles, "Wonder why you're so tired after a meal?" Take it seriously. I think Snyder is right to go light to heavy during the day. I had a crave so I thought it would be okay if I took a new de-stress multi-vitamin then I can have an Amy's light frozen spinach lasagna, an iced coffee with almond milk, and the last 1/4 of a frozen hot chocolate. Getting tired, I ate a slice of orange bell pepper. That isn't the cure, for you should stop eating completely after you had too much or if the food makes you sleepy. It's night and day. I had veggie sticks with hummus for breakfast and I felt great. Then I just ruined the energetic feeling. Oh la la.

Well last night was a completely different story. I actually had 1/2 of a frozen hot chocolate for dinner! What's wrong with you woman? Then I made a lavender and chamomile iced tea and drank about 20 ounces of it. I was feeling sloth, so when "Don't Worry, Be Happy" popped up on my itunes I did legs in the air pose on a block, something I did in yoga boot camp to that song. After that, to the energetic music that followed I did a 30-minute yoga practice and felt amazing. My endorphins sky-rocketed. Then I woke up at 8:30 instead of 5-7:30 most mornings for the last two months. I wonder if eating to much too late makes you wake up earlier. Because I ate close to nothing last night. I don't endorse it, but I noticed a difference and felt more energized also.

I have bought a box of 2 mg nicotine gum instead of my usual 4. Cutting down to wean off.

It's day three of mot buying anything material in the appreciate what I have month. I have an idea to organize my necklaces on one side of my necklace stand, and each day wear the one on the far end and put it back on the other side at the end of the day. This way I wear all of them and nothing gets neglected.

Smobergirl

Back in biz

Woo hoo. Okay my speakers blew their woofers, both of them! See the beauty in everything: My trusty sales man at the audio place I've been going to for 18 years gave me a speaker lesson, plus I wouldn't had thought to use sub-woofers for my next gig because it's in a gigantic warehouse so that would be a must. I'm such a dork I just know how to segway awesomely and play the hits. I will be a tech master soon enough now. So, the speakers are in the ER and we'll see if they survive the surgery.

I also landed two more part-time gigs up my alley. One is vacation fill-in radio-broadcaster at a hit station. Hey I'm back in radio at least, and the team is non-competitive and the APD is like my big brother. Good news. Good karma. I have day jobs and evening jobs, so now I'm set for staying out of trouble. Back in bid-ness.

Snyder would be so proud of me today, well minus my morning iced coffee.

Breakfast: Tangy lemon spinach (told ya I'd try it), cucumber, yellow pear, green grapes, lime, kale stems, chilled water, and Thai basil leaf smoothie. Winner winner.

Lunch: Kale salad

Now: Snyder's Delish Squash Bisque


That's not enough food is it. Being back on the regular dose of bupropion is curbing my appetite again.

However I'll try harder for dinner, and besides that my spirits are quite high today.

It's another 'appreciate what I have' month and going shopping in my closet! No clothes buying all month.

Love,

Smobergirl

Appreciating what I have

It's a fun game, really. I thought I wanted to try a $10 lunch for Dine O' Round today (last day) but got invited to Dad's to swim and have brunch. Then I thought I wanted an iced mocha on my way home (damn you coffee and sugar) because I had a 20% coupon at this downtown joint, but I went home instead and I made a chocolate 'milk' of cocao powder (useless trivia: cacao and cocoa are the same thing) and almond milk. Use the blender, it doesn't mix with a spoon. Watched the premiere episode of Dexter Season 7 (They are making up for the last two by a landslide! So far.) Then made some fat Italian noodles (1/2 cup) in olive oil and sea salt. I saved about $13. Sweet.

Then this morning I pulled out a pair of hardly worn Tarina Tarantino earrings about seven years old. They are a gem. I should wear them more often. Plus TT is kinda a big deal. I really do have every fashion item I need. Last night at the wedding I had only paid for my Nordy's Rack $25 flats and Kate Spade (on sale last year) purse. I just went naked. No I had an outfit from several shopping trips with my mother. Gotta love moms! A black blazer, gold cami, and black with gold brocade pants. She's quite the bargain hunter herself! Blazer from The Rack, H&M top ($4.50), and TJ Maxx pants. I got a boat-ton of comments on it. Dangit I don't have a photo. Well I kinda do but you just see the blazer. I also managed somehow to do a bang-up hair and make-up job. I never looked more professional nor elegant. I'll post it manaña. Plus I am in bed, it is after midnight, and this time I may very well be naked.

I also went a little freaky last week and donated my cheap-material jewelery (except for one pair of earrings) because I read an online article how toxic some of those materials are. Dangerous or not, my jewelry box was over-stuffed and it needed to make some sacrifices. It was pretty liberating actually.

I also thought I wanted Vamp, the famous-20-years-ago Chanel nail polish (It's like $26 now or something insane like that), but I have a deep purple Dior one (only about insanely $23 which I got about a year ago. Again, hardly worn.) You never know what gems you may have lying around, even like my grandmother's flower pin or my great-grandmother's felt and straw hats. Oh I have to show you my gram's little black dresses I inherited. She was a hot tamale in the 40s and 50s! I don't need no stinking lbds, I have two of the best, and ones no one else will have. So go shopping! In your closet! Or your storage unit! Go.

And just eat what's in your fridge and don't let those veggies spoil. Geez!

;)

Love,

Smobergirl

Internal alarm

I had a gig last night and went to sleep around 2 am, which I woke up at 7:30 like clockwork! Oy, well I'm a little tired but the lemon spinach I found at the farmer's market this morning perked me up. That's the best stuff, and a little hard to find for me. Now I made a kale salad with yellow heirloom tomato, avocado, and leftover mock chicken salad. I hope it's still good, there's a ton left. I squeezed a lime on it and added pepper and sea salt. I have Amy's Indian food in the oven.

Last night I received so many compliments on the way I looked, and I noticed my skin is a lot clearer and more olive-toned, like my last quit. Two months seem like forever to get to, but just after a month my belly bloat went down and I lost a lot of fat in my face. Eat your salads, kids! And healthy fats like green olives keep your skin hydrated, not fat. We need healthy plant fats for our skin, hair, and nails, and iced coffee addicts like myself. Just pace yourself with the olives. I'll have 2-5 a day. A handful of nuts. 1/2 to 1 avocado. It's also important what you eat the rest of the day. I'm making all kinds of creative salads and soups. Then I don't feel guilty eating healthy fat snacks. If you eat crap all day then have these snacks, that's not a good sign.

With my lovely lemon spinach I have a brilliant idea for a smoothie. It's excellent in smoothies. Okay how's this: Limes, celery, lemon spinach, pear, cucumber. I'll report back.

My only downfall this week is not exercising, and craving sugar. I was good yesterday and this morning. Gotta do some hip hop or something today. I look good, I feel calm, but I feel ecstatic when I work out. It makes sense! Even after not doing yoga for a week I've stiffened up. Tisk, tisk. The sugar I'll allow for the wine craves, but I gotta work out for my spirits.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 65

Don't give in. Do something else.

Distract yourself, and Drink water. Three outta four ain't bad. Iced coffee and a milk shake uh covered the water part? Well, I craved fiercely around 6:30 this evening so I popped a piece of nic gum and got an iced coffee. Then I did some retail therapy, I bought a hot neon green top that makes my boobs look awesome for the price of a binge night. Wearin' that to one of my new quiz gigs. Then I grabbed a frozen hot chocolate which I drank half of and now I have this brilliant idea to blend the rest with the tiny strawberries tomorrow. Whew! It was a close one and I almost risked not knowing if I'd pass out after two glasses and go crazy on Wellbutrin like some of the stories I've read online. The horror is I don't know what kind of 'crazy' they were talking about. I just feel so much better, then there's my bloody shoulder...

This is actually a huge synchronicity and hil-arious. I had a 'feeling' to call my dermatologist on Friday because it's been about a year since I had my moles checked (and they aren't just on my face man) and I had an appointment today which I also found out my father had one later in the afternoon! I go once a year at that. So after my appointment in the morning I told him, and he said he was going in at four when I was told his was actually at 2:15 by the doc's office manager. So I saved him from being late. It's a miracle in disguise. Then he called me later and said the doc cut a mole out. Hey me too! However I was so excited to practice guitar for an hour and ripped the scab off with the medical bandage. Ow. So I'm still bleeding and I put this nifty bandage on. Then after my shopping and shake rampage I take it off and it's still gooey. Ew. So I slather Neosporin on it and my Yeti Attack bandage. If you see above on one of my other brilliant bandages the horn is pointing to a spatter of dried blood on my shoulder. Completely unintentional. Well here's to no melanoma and I think I'd get a call my now if it was malignant, same with my dad. What a crazy day.


Breakfast: Berry and kale smoothie, one hard-boiled egg

Lunch: Tabouleh, mock tuna salad, and my healthy rainbow bell pepper slaw

Dinner: Treat! Seared scallops and risotto with steamed veggies, Italian herbed olives, sauteed garlic on crusty bread, and the best tiramisu on the planet with the biggest blackberry I've ever seen.

Snack: Iced coffee followed by 8 ounces of frozen hot chocolate

I still ate light to heavy. I will do ANYTHING but drink or smoke if it comes to eating two desserts and buying a hot tank top. Porsche Design. $39 on sale. Thank you very much.

Love,

Smobergirl

Sloth

Why...am...I...so...tired....?...

I'll just roll with it. I did watch Sherlock for four hours. Then I did some power yoga and felt more relaxed and a tad more awake. I'm hanging with the neighbors tonight which will be fun but I hope I live. I'm such an old lady.You know what could add to the problem is me waking up at 6:30-7 in the morning. It is awesome that I'm waking up smober early than 9-1 hungover and miserable. So really I'm not complaining. I'm still eating well. Kale salad and popcorn for the PBS mystery. Maybe that's not enough. I'm planing on the rest of my slaw or mock chicken salad, a veg burger patty, and baked sweet potato wedges for dinner.

Lates,

Smobergirl

Good substitutions

I feel morally sound, and I was bounding with energy from 7:30 am until 10:00 am when I made a pineapple-grape-kale-ginger smoothie and performed a self body-slimming mud wrap while burning music for a wedding. Then I had a 1/2 avocado, muhammara with flax crackers, and an iced chai and I want to fall asleep! No coffee.That could be it unless the crackers and/or muhammara were too heavy. Or cleansing, or the mud sucked a lot out. Dunno! Yawn.

I still feel proud of myself taking the Wellbutrin, although it's half the dose now by my and not the doctor's choice. However the heart murmurs are gone, I feel better in the morning, I have no anxiety, I'm still calm, and I still can't drink or smoke. I don't even attempt it. Well at least it's Sunday. I washed my couch (I did. It's a Love Sac sectional couch and I can wash the covers.) and cushions so I can lay down in a chocolate brown cloud of clean. Sherlock did come in the mail. I can watch that then do my hip hop or yoga or both. Yawn.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 58

I don't need substitute addictions!

Don't worry it's just junk food, but worry because it's junk food! I think it's making me depressed and gave me the biggest cold sore chain ever on my lip down my chin! That proves how "sad" our S.A.D. (Standard American Diet) is!!! Not only did I have two iced coffees along with the healthy substitute, two iced chais, I had a frozen hot chocolate and a happy meal for dinner. A Happy Meal! Will I promise not to cry wolf and have you trust me to start detoxing tomorrow? Then in a week I'll be clean and happy for the wedding I'm DJing. You know not just alcohol, cigs, and other substances, but crap food is also a temporary cheap thrill. I know better. At the farmer's market today I got the teeniest strawberries (like the ones I found in Capri), organic grapes, kale, ground cherries, aaaand that's about it for my cleanse. I also have vegan, gluten-free black bean burgers, mock tuna salad, and bell pepper slaw in the fridge. Along with local muhammara, celery sticks, cukes, pineapple, frozen berries, wild rice....I'm all set for the week ahead!

Love,

Wolfy

Two months in five days!

Sugar sugar

I just felt crappy all afternoon because I've been amping up the caffeine and sweets intake. Must...stop... I then had a home-made slaw and black bean burger patty for dinner and I feel much calmer. However I did want to cry my guts out about an hour ago.

Other than that life is fantastic and I'm getting the ball rolling with DJ gigs, meaning DJing parties and weddings. Summer was awfully slow for that, man. I'll also be ushering theaters (free shows dude) and I'll be painting again, any day now when I decide to get my ass in gear. I still have craves but the bupropion is handling that nicely. I cut my dose in half to avoid heart murmurs and possibly anger and depreesion. Depression on an anti-depressant you say? This is one of the reasons I'm anti-drug. Like Chantix which will help you quit smoking but you may have suicidal thoughts. Wh-at? Ugh I can't wait until 6 months are up!

I made a brillant smoothie today which magically tasted like guava. It's kale, with pineapple and mint (I think that's the magic combo there), maca powder, chia and flax seeds, and chilled mint/lemon water. It's my best creation yet.


Well bed time. More pics later. Just say no to sugar. I just need to nip this coffee thing finally. I DJ a wedding in a week so maybe I'll detox and I'll be glowing by the 29th. Hey it's happened before! I have violent tantrums on day three but then I'm a new person. :)


Smobergirl

Two months, Bender, on the 27th! (Breakfast Club ref.) You're mine for two months!

The power of a man's virtue

I know you can control your own emotions. Is it easier said than done because we feel that we 'ought' to feel bad, unworthy, mournful, etc.? I told a friend years ago who was dealing with his own demons that only he can control his emotions. In serious response, he answered, "No, my wife does." Sometimes I wish I was famous or perfect or happy all of the time, but who is? The power of a man's virtue be measured not by his special efforts, but by his ordinary doing. Zen calendar quote of the day from Blaise Pascal. I want to know that people love me by my goodness and not because I don't have a special talent like Cyrus from SYTYCD. He's no more perfect nor virtuous than I, right? I loved him on the show and I think I just want to be him. Or I think I just want his popularity. This is actually a silly-ass post. My mood was down again even after fly yoga, having the utmost anger for other drivers when I was running errands to feeling that I just don't want to be here. Now here me out: I'm hardly suicidal, it's just one of those days when you want to fade or have the trap door underneath you go out. No I didn't feel worthy nor talented today, but for no particular reason. I cried, a lot. I did talk to my parents, just small talk but I know they care about me. I also went into worrying what others think of me mode. Maybe I got lonely. Maybe it's all that meat I've been eating all of the sudden. Damn you national cheeseburger day. Maybe it's the sugared pumpkin spice iced coffees. Or maybe it's just me being human. Ha I was thinking about the famous actually then I remember when Lindsay Lohan called her butt crack poking out of her jeans her 'coin slot.' It doesn't matter what you think of others. It matters what you think of yourself. I am talented. I'm a damn fine mobile DJ even though I pissed off one bride for having 3-second feedback on my microphone. "I thought you were a professional." The husband said. You need to let shit like this go and know who you are. The thing is that it does get to me and then I get scared of DJing the next gig, which turns out perfectly. The other lesson is let shit like sound feedback go and don't insult others, for you may affect their lives more than you'll know.

Okay I just feel tons better after I blog. I should write in a journal but I have this morbid thinking that the public should see my ups and downs through quitting drinking, smoking, and low self-esteem. Plus typing is easier. The right food really brought me calm and happiness. For the last few days I've been upping the ante on the sugar and meat which I usually don't consume at all. There is a mood/food connection, I have no doubt. Gotta hunker down and get back on track.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Smobergirl

The fly

I was in yoga class yesterday, something I rarely do now since I have been saving money to work out at home (and by the way I had a free class pass) and for the entire class this fly kept landing on my shoulder, arm, or hand every ten minutes or so. I didn't shoo him away, I just let it hang out or crawl around. It really didn't bother me, maybe because I was in a zen-like state, it was kind of nice actually. I'd think, hey there little fella you probably like my natural orange and honey blossom lotion. That's gotta be it. Then in savasana, corpse pose, which all yoga classes end with, it landed on my 'third eye' right between my eyebrows. No kidding! In yoga the third eye is often spoken about and used during meditiation. It was there for about five seconds then I never saw or felt it again. It was pretty far out. Fly yoga. Who knew.

Smobergirl


Day 53

The best things in life are free.

You know, this, "I have all I need" mantra is working so far. Sure I had temptations for material things, then I realized that I own items similar or I'm glad I treated my body to a green drink from home instead of a $7 milk shake three times as long as my neck at this joint I saw a movie at tonight. I didn't have the money to get a symphony-opera subscription so I could be on that USUO young people's board, but magically I'll be ushering that and two other theater venues (that means free symphony/opera/theater) which means if I paid for one I'd get a free ticket for tonight, which I didn't so I went to a free-admission women's gala and fundraiser instead (free dinner) and an outdoor free movie (with free popcorn!). Plus, from the Avenues Fair last week I scored about 10 guest passes to a fancy-schmancy Federal Heights rec center (free swimming!) and a free smoothie at their fancy-schmancy new cafe. This karma thing is happening again and I had nothing to worry about. Luck? Chance? Maybe but the universe is providing for me. I had a lovely night without drinking or smoking, and I had joy in my heart.

Love,

Smobergirl

I think it's day 50!

Confirmation! Boy I'm good. :)

Make Yourself

I got that from the band Incubus, who's lead singer, Brandon Boyd, said the title is being who you want to be, meaning creating that truth, making yourself. Boyd wanted to be fit, so he made that happen. He worked to be a visual artist and he puts that in his videos. It has inspired me over and over again. This whole thing about wanting to be fit again, and finally having another long-term quit, started with the Olympics, then the Undie Run and So You Think You Can Dance. I keep telling myself that I'm like clay and if I want it, I can mold myself into a beautiful athlete even at 41. I have energy, I bounce back easily (after smoking for 15 years my teeth are extremely white, I can bound up stairs no problem after a few weeks quit, and at the health fair on Saturday everything was normal and I currently have zero chance of heart disease.) I am a lucky sod. Now I need to make myself just because I can. I quit dance when I was 13 and lost most of my technique and gained weight in high school. At 18 I thought, "If I bust my ass now at dancing I'll be killer at 28." That never happened. At 28 I was even heavier and my boyfriend at the time kept 'hinting' for me to work out. I was lethargic, a smoker, and I didn't feel like I fit in because of my weight. So do what Nike, Yoda, or Incubus says and take action.

I am. I plugged through Insanity for the first time in at least six months and I survived. I think the bupropion makes me tired but I didn't wheeze or turn red, and my endorphins shot up. Then I watched the finale dances on SYTYCD while stretching, doing full lotus and pendulum, and ballet leg tendues, ronde de jambes, attitudes, and degagés. I may not be able to walk tomorrow but I felt amazing. I also ate a good diet with tons of greens and soup. Too many Trader Joe's Thai Lime Chili Cashews maybe. There could be worse things, um like Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Via. Hey I am still allowed my wine sub ain't I? I'm craving sugar, man. Yes I have an excuse for everything, especially the Wellbutrin. "Oh I spaced that, am tired, dingy, can't breathe, air-headed because of the Wellbutrin." "Sorry, I'm on Wellbutrin." "I'm either just a home-body or the Wellbutrin is making me want to do absolutely nothing."

Well I do feel better. I think the only (well one of, maybe) things the bupropion is doing is making me less paranoid. It's doing that job very well. Good times. Oh and I don't want (today and most days) and can't drink on it, that's the most important thing. Making myself means that I don't and can't put those poisons in my body to inhibit who I can be.

Love,

Smobergirl

Maybe it's my liver

Alright maybe I jumped to a conclusion with my friend, whom I've known since high school, and has always driven me a little batty. I think I just wanted to avoid the friend, and not the theater. In that environment too though you can get drama queens and drama in general. Hey, it's drama! If my director friend gets back to me with an offer then we'll see. Oh the liver thing? One of my holistic therapists I worked with a few years ago told me that when I get angry it's my liver detoxifying and expelling the junk. So if I ever get pissy nowadays I just blame it on my liver. :D


Smobergirl

I feel fantastic

Insanity and yoga made me feel on top of the world this morning. I did Upper Body Weights from the Insanity DVDs. It's Hip-Hop Abs tomorrow. I had a berry-kale-hemp smoothie and a 1/2 avocado. It's another cloudy warm day, which is my cup of tea. I'm teaching a friend yoga and going to an usher orientation later. I may have to start a saving money blog. If you usher, you can see all kinds of entertainment for free!

I was feeling awesome until I received an email from a friend. I thought I wanted to go back to acting in a theater I performed at in the mid-90s. I asked a connection I haven't talked to in three years who I should contact at the theater and when the next auditions for new shows are, and this person responded with, "Speaking of new shows, you should come see me in _______ going on right now! I play _____ and it's so much fun!!! We could go to lunch afterwards!!" Maybe I take everything personally but I didn't get one answer from my actor buddy, just a shameless promotion. I just got a knot in my stomach and an awful feeling. No, I'm not ready to go back there. Actors can be a handful. What's a girl to do. I'll keep being the volunteer queen and see what happens from there. Instinct. It's working so far.

Appreciating what I have is starting to immensely pay off. Aside from helping the community, I own all of the possessions I really need. It's the small things in life like I thought I had to have magenta shoes from TJ Maxx when I have gunmetal ones which would go with the same clothes I wanted to wear the magenta ones for. On The Doctors they promoted Dr. Haushka products and I immediately wanted to go to Whole Foods because they have 15% off cosmetics, skin and body care, and supplements on Tuesdays. Then I thought of my already crowded medicine cabinet. I think I have three night creams in there! Shopping is not going to give me a fulfilling life. But, evil sugary Pumpkin Spice VIA instant iced coffee from Starbucks and my 50% off Groupon will. For now. See ya!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 46

Tears, joy, karma, being pissed off, stuff coming out, fantasy, beauty, body image, and food, and exercise, and everything.

I think life is getting better! Ha ha no I mean that. hear me out. I have a lot of venting to do but it all will come out good in the end I promise. The first quit, snowballs galore happened with the good karma. I was doubtful this time, thinking that I was just lucky, but I have to testify. I had a 'feeling' to go out for dinner at 5:45 tonight. I was thinking of a place close to me then decided on a 'healthy' joint for a mushroom and brussels sprout pasta in cream sauce. Cream sauce! Oy. Hey I had my rabbit food during the rest of the day. I then happen to run into my jazz radio DJ hero there, who asks me if I want to visit his show sometime, and to answer phones with other community radio DJs for their fund drive. Sweet. Before then I also had a wild hair after crying my butt off in the bath (I seem to do most of my bawling there lately) to email the owner of a theater I used to perform at in the 90s. He CCed the director, who is the same one who gave me the best compliment of my life in the last show I did there, "She always makes something out of nothing." Wow. You had to be there. You know what's funny, I cared more about my radio job who emotionally kicked me in the gutter over and over again or just didn't give a rat's ass on my accomplishments more than the theater who always treated me like a rock star. Para-noia self-destroyah! Do you know that Kinks song? It's my motto. I know "Institutionalized" should be but you can pick one or the other. That is probably why I want to go back to acting all of a sudden. I was a theater major. Duh. Already you know I'm a drama queen. So I will wait to hear when the next audition is if that dude with the amazing compliment will have me back.

So this is me in my underwear, paricipating in year two for the Utah Undie Run. It's liberating and of course a people (and dog!) watching spectacular. The 5K was also a great workout. My friend who went with me wanted to walk which was fine, but last year after doing Insanity I could not believe how much stamina I had running up the hill to the capitol! I am back in the game, did my hip hop and yoga this morning, and it's Insanity weights and plyometrics tomorrow.

Too much coffee and sugar have been invading my body however. Is that what made me cry in the tub? I had the 'my carreer/love life, blah blah blah is over' thoughts and I realized that was stupid. You moron. My mother told me that the one thing she regretted was not teaching me enough self-esteem. I'm cool, but like I said I've been conditioned mainly through school and work that I am a total idiot. Parents, teach your kids this and fight against bullying. School bullying, asshole bosses (if you want me to be PC say discriminating instead), and sexual harassers in any environment cannot be tolerated. I wish there were more of teaching of the sort as well. I am dead serious. I happened to go through all three.

Breakfast: 5 figs, handfuls of ground cherries, and sugared iced coffee

Lunch: Mixed greens, heirloom cherry tomatoes, micro greens, hummus, garlic spread, and muhammara with baked rosemary sweet potato 'fries' and iced coffee, pouring acid on that good food I know Kim!

Dinner: Comforting and evil cream sauced pasta, the funky rolled up like thin cigars kind with brussels sprouts and wild mushrooms. Expresso carbonata with cream to add to the cream. Are we emotionally eating lately?

I'll take a glass of lemon water before bed. Then clean up my food act. It's red kale smoothie tomorrow sistah! Oh I did have a green powder water today so that's making a college try.

Body image. Just stop it. Healthy is better than having a supermodel body, and you'll be looking good anyway. Not all thin bodies look the same. I'll always be bigger on top, or I tend to lose the top last. So that means skinny legs and big arms but also big boobies! Speaking of big boobies, I watched The Bachelor Pad for 5 minutes and the 'superfans' picked for the show of course looked like models. How do we teach the kids. I was kinda pissed, then after some of them opened their mouths I was just glad to have big arms and intelligence over that. Then I quickly changed the channel.

I was also getting bummed by aging but I can't. For 41 I look pretty darn good. The little changes are normal and no one cares more than you when it comes to your own bod. I'll just have to do more head stands. Okay, and be happy for who I am and what I have and the healthy choices I will make and not beat myself up having the occasional pasta and dairy, oh and caffeine, and sugar, when I have not had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 45 days.

I believe that it is imparative to have dreams. I will let go of the teacher's voices who said I day-dreamed too much in class or that nasty college professor who said I lived in a fantasy world thinking I could be a classical singer. Mean teachers should not teach. Choose your words wisely, for you have to reap what you sow, professor, you jerk.

Okay I've vented. I cried, I had hopes, life isn't over, and I had a productive day. I am not a moron, and I don't really care about being in a relationship (okay to be fair I don't care AS much). To fight the craves I 'shop' in my closet and make myself look put together and I wear more makeup. It's fun and you know I might as well look like a girl, it's good for the self-esteem too.

No regrets on kitty's accident which happened a half a year ago already! I do think about it constantly. Realistically, the beauty in that is I wouldn't had known that he had abscesses in his back teeth if he didn't fall. And man the kid acts like it never happened. Sometimes I call him Toothless like in How To Train Your Dragon, and the hair lip gives him character. And I say to myself, "Dude he fell three stories and only hurt his teeth! Come on! He's the miracle cat." Yes, I still cry over it sometimes, but time will heal itself. He is my baby but I can't look back on that nor regret anything. You need to see the beauty in everything.

I'm glad it rained today. I feel sheltered by the clouds and the downpour. It's almost time for bed and an eventful, fantastic day tomorrow. I am grateful for all who I am and everything I have, and so should you.

Love,

Smobergirl