An inspirational quote, and this is one long-ass blog!

"In my dreams, I was Rita Hayworth, Kim Basinger. I just wanted to be that long, tall drink of water with flowing blond hair and large blue eyes and cheekbones you could actually see - you know, be that. And I wasn't, so I hated myself. I'd beat myself up, tear myself to shreds. Now I've made peace with it. I don't mind it at all; I'd rather be who I am. It's comfortable. It's me. I got weary of putting so much energy into hating myself." ~Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson.

This kinda sounds like me. It's inspiring on several accounts. One, duh, it's the voice-over actress of Lisa Simpson saying that! However, it's also being an actress and radio jock; plus the fact that the acting director of the first University I went to said I'd only make it if I stuck to character acting. That meant no Kim Basinger or Cinderella for me neither, but I took it as a big compliment. Me, funny, who knew? And I entertained many with my comedic monologues, and acting at a big melodrama theater in Salt Lake City. I wanted so badly to make that big cartoon and do more radio commercials doing character work, but I dunno if that's a long shot, not being lucky, or if it's Utah. I think I'm pretty talented. I did some imdb.com detective work and so far Yeardley and Julie Knavier (Marge) worked together before the hit series, and Nancy Cartwright (Bart) was friends in the 70s with the actor who did the voice of Yogi Bear. Connections. Funny, I got into radio knowing a DJ. But we love all the voices in The Simpsons, and I have my fans, and I know I have a good voice and the talent. However, I am no Lisa Simpson now. I'm still a girl living in Utah with hopes and dreams becoming the next voice-over star.

Warning: Rant time, and maybe this is one of the reasons for my bingeing. After I scored a Saturday free (no pay) gig at the station my colleague worked for, I started sending out airchecks to other radio stations. This was 1992, the year a new station started developed by former members of the station I was at in Ogden. After sending out resumes to ten Utah stations, I received back two phone calls. One from the nicest girl PD in radio at a top 40 station, and one from the man who started alternative music radio in this state in 1983, and who started that new station in 1992. I was a huge fan of this 80s station and it got me hooked on all kinds of cool music. Duran Duran, Talking Heads, Katrina and the Waves, Soft Cell, The Cure, U2. As a kid I first wanted to be a ballerina, then an astronaut, then a director (that story in a later post), and for one year when I was 12 and a fan of this New Waver station: a DJ. I'd call in and make requests all the time. I participated in all of their contests, had my mom take me to their remotes. Sometimes I'd "prank call' them with character voices I'd make, and of course get hung up on. LOL. So in 1992, I made the choice to work for the man who started this great station in the 80s, and boy was I on cloud nine! I started working Monday mornings from 2-6 am. For a radio newbie at 21 working for the most popular station in the state, it was a dream. The magic ended a month later for several reasons, but I stayed nonetheless for six years. After happily, yet being nervous on the air for a month, my new "awesome guy" boss told me two different things. One was a bit disturbing at first and then, as a naive 21 yr. old, was so excited! "I find you attractive." Now, I have really good instincts, and if I follow them I'm golden, and if I don't I can get into serious trouble. Now you may think I'm getting weird, but personally, I am a sole believer in instincts, and I hope you can also follow my philosophy. I don't know if there is a God, but I do believe in the power of the mind, and warnings that can happen in your body can be a 'godsend'. So here we are, the two of us after-hours at the station after he DJed at the club next door, and I absolutely did not follow my instincts. I was always a dancer. My mom threw me into ballet at 4 and I got hooked on modern dancing at age 8. When my parents got divorced when I was 15, I discovered the clubs. Not to drink, but to dance to all the cool bands that old station got me hooked on in the 80s. So that night in February 1993 I danced away to his playing The Cure, Depeche Mode, what have you; in jeans, a silk purple jacket, and a purple bra. Not meaning at all to turn the boss on, mind you, I just loved to dress up and dance! But I didn't know the consequences of my actions, apparently. I just got out of the Mormon church, but I was not rebellious at all and honestly quite scared of the swearing and the macho-ness of this station. "I find you attractive" he said. LOL I feel like I'm writing a trashy novel. So I will try to make this quick. Being a naive young girl, I thought he wanted to be my serious boyfriend. Not so much. I was conned into an affair, which the other staff believed I was only hired for that reason. What if I actually got the balls to turn him down, but no, I stayed and played his game and that led to the other on-air jocks to think I was 'stupid' and wrote things on the staff chalkboard like, "What does everyone want for Christmas? Well I know Smobergirl wants a new vocabulary." After the on-air staff ridiculed me behind my back, the affair was over and my boss then told me things like, "If you were hired by another station, I wouldn't be hurt." but he never fired me. Perhaps he legally couldn't? Or maybe he was afraid of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Who knows. I eventually left because my hours were cut and I wasn't moving up, but I felt that I was put way down. I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole for six years. So I need to make my point about that station. I felt I 'sucked' as a DJ, but I received high praise for my commercials. They were thoughtfully planned, I put in the right music, I produced everything myself, and usually I put character voices into them. The owner loved them, and that's the only time I got praise from the other staff members. This is what I was good at, commercials, and not introducing a song or the weather. On another note, it wasn't me wanting to be Kim Bassinger, but like the full-time female who had an English major, the intelligent one. I wanted to be the witty, tough girl when I felt that I was the bimbo of the station. Then after a five-year hiatus this boss was fired and I applied again to the new boss who was the previous afternoon or evening jock at the station. I took over the local band show in 2005, and suddenly the local papers and local TV stations noticed my talent for exposing the bands who should be exposed in Utah. I made the show fun and upbeat, and I didn't feel "stupid" anymore. I was totally rocking it! I received numerous awards from them, yet my owners said nothing. My show was on Sunday nights when only two commercials were played per hour. After I took over the show, it elevated to four, then six, then eight commercials an hour! Then my show had sponsors! I was still making $10 an hour at this time, and I was petrified to ask for a raise because my company was making serious cut-backs and firing staff left and right. Then my hours were cut for corporate reasons this time last May, and I was just fed up by the lack of recognition and support, so I left, again.

It's late, and I better crash. Happy November and thanks for letting me rant!

~Smobergirl