Zen in 2010.

You know it! Yoga is medicine, like Baron Baptiste told me at a Mexico bootcamp three Mays ago. You feel a thousand times more relaxed after power yoga, and a high. Why I didn't do it consistently starting August 18 beats the heck out of me. Now I'm starving. It's Amy's mac n' cheese and a big salad when I get home.

90 in 90.

I think I going to attempt something crazy, since I'm already there. Ha ha. The AA meetings obviously were not happening. But I think the church of Smobergirl would be into 90 yoga classes in 90 days. I'd lose the weight faster, and it would be better for my soul than listen to a bunch of stories. AA has helped so many, I am not knocking it, but I get a sence of euphoria when I do a physical activity then meditate. I'm going for it starting today.

~Smobergirl

Diamonds

I hope this pic does justice. I love the snow here. Sometimes I even love driving in it (because I have a Subie and it kicks ass). But I mostly love it when it sparkles on the ground when it's fresh. I was in 1st grade on the front lawn one day and I saw snow on the hill sparkling. I'd pretend they were diamonds and I'd sit in the middle and they'd sparkle all around me. Can you see the sparkles?

I'm crying my brains out but I am not a victim and I feel better. I meditated and forgave myself and the people I had conflicts with. Mentally I cut the cord from my old work, the bottle and the pack. They do not serve me anymore. And I need to leave my old boss alone with no more blotto emails before I get served or something. In order to do that I need me back. Drunk me is the Hyde to the real me. I can't trick myself anymore. No more denial. This is serious. I need to fudging grow up. It's time to heal and move on and jump in with faith with both feet. It's gonna hurt. But it will get much better. Oh and that was my soup tonight at Sage's. I got love soup!

I can do this, and sometimes you have to die in order to live.

~Smobergirl

I am at a nice coffeehouse having my second iced coffee. I don't want to go home and I feel alone and scared. Well what do you know, my dad just called. He must have known! I just want to prove my point that if you put positive things in your body life will be much easier and better. See how crappy mine is right now? It's like the movie sliding doors. What would my life be like if I wasn't a drunk? Let's find out, eh?

I am giving up on myself. My step-mom said my step-sis who I think is ten years younger than I am, cries all the time because she can't find the right guy. I'm way past her and is this what happens when you feel alone and worked your butt off trying to get your dream job and you are just one step below but 14 years go by and you start self-destructing? I'm going crazy. I turning into something I'm not. Please lock me up. A padded room and a nice white jacket with long sleeves feels pretty tempting right now. Great now I have the song Institutionalized stuck in my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. Well, I do. I just watched the movie Nine and there was a line in it that struck a chord. "Don't let the devil use your creativity."

Changes.

One problem an alchie has is a number of sayings to 'end' his or her alcoholism. "Never again" is a good one, but in my case, "On New Years Eve" is also a good one. However I have another plan. It's not good, because I am drinking right now and I owe you all $20 each. My brilliant plan is tonight is the last hurrah, and how many last hurrahs have I had? I want to keep it this time. Tomorrow I will stay sober, and NYE I have to stay sober because NYD I have a yoga class at 10 am, then things are going to change. They have to change.

~Smobergirl

Day four and doing great. The holidays were spectac! so far and I got a lot of cool stuff. My brother gave me a DJ Hero! It's pretty awesome. My mom gave me a TJ Maxx card and I went to the one in Park City because they seem to have nicer stuff up there. I was milli g about on the store this morning and Moby's "Stars" comes on the intercom. I adore Moby and met him once. So I going through the purse isles looking for an Italian brand they sometimes carry. When the song ends, I'm at the end of the last bag isle and there staring at me is a gun-metal gray patent-leather Arcadia tote. (that's the brand) So I get it. There ya are. It was a good day.

Merry Christmas!

First smober holiday for me. I can do this!

Going to my father's tomorrow. He only asks for expensive red wine every year. But I have to handle it. Going to the wine store to get it was uneasy. I'll just have to eat a lot, which is no problem since my step-mom is an outrageous cook!

Have a wonderful and safe holiday.

~Smobergirl

Life.

No I'm not drunk, my thinking problem just came back. I'm crazy, naive, or brilliant. I can't figure out which. Because my creative mind comes up with something innovative to find out others have been trying to solve the same problem all along.

This is what I'm thinking now: It's a shame how we judge ourselves on how others judge us. Not everyone is like this, but I think most of us are, and especially me. Is there a way our government or schools can educate us or prevent destructive situations like this? Verbal abuse; being better than others judged on class, job position, or education; or bullies in school can they be prevented? Because sadly these behaviors and means can drastically change people's lives. That's my thinking of the day. Lost season 3 episode 8 was an influence to write this. Ha yeah I'm watching it again. It's sad to put labels on people. You can be the most loving, generous person but be judged on your car, job, looks, trust fund...

What I am saying is that if we all want to be accepted the treat others the like. Believe it or not if you slander someone they will cower or rebel. It's simple. Why don't we teach this at schools? The popular kids, the geeks, the depressed. Come on. It's simple but it affects all of us. It seems simple but especially in our grade school and teen years it effects all of us.

I was a spoiled kid with everything I needed. Apparently I was a genius reading the newspaper when I was two. According to my mom in 1st grade I could not even spell cat because my dad had me take laughing gas that year from my dentist. You know what she said? "Everything went downhill from there." One: Great news from your own mother right? But then, it wasn't me, it was her own experience. And how can your own mother do that to you? Because she had it hard, I should too? She grew up in a wealthy family who praised her baby sister and ignored her. Two: She had a son and a daughter. And the daughter in her eyes should have been pretty, smart, and happy all of the time. Well I cried a lot. Mainly because my father was verbally mean and old-fashioned to my mother, which she turned to my brother and I to make her happy. I'd get bad grades and my dad took me out of my one love, dancing. Then my mom would say. "What are you crying about now? You are supposed to be smiling and happy. I give you all you want, you spoiled little shit." That was my nickname. More to come.

I started another blog about improving every child's life then stopped it. I will continue to post that issue here.

See you later,

~Smobergirl.

Best day ever, again. :)

I think in AA or Quitnet.com people say 'best day ever' to cover up the fact that they are having a hard time. I'm actually meaning it. It must be the holidays coming up, but I am now excited to improve my life and not drink. Yoga is helping immensely with that now. I also had an epiphany with the coffee. Since my mom gave me the Hourglass there is a notable difference in the taste. I don't taste anything bitter or metallic, and now I'm diluting it with soy milk. this is my next step in cutting out caffeine or at least the acid. I also have been combining it with Teechino.

I do admit I'm still going through the emotional detox, but I'm trying to just observe it instead of freaking out. I teared up a little after yoga, which is normal.

Have a wonderful snow day!

~Smobergirl

Four days.

I've joined the 21st century and discovered soy milk. I got one for brain and bone health (us alkies definitely need both). And added it to my 65% less acidic iced coffee. For early Christmas my mother gave me an Hourglass coffee maker which brews coffee overnight with cold water. It gets concentrated and you can dillute it with hot water or cold milk. I also got brown rice tortillas for my new grill. It's quesadillas tonight!

It's going to be a white Christmas in Utah. It is a beautiful snowy day today. I only watched two Lost episodes last night (practicing moderation) and I am going to a yoga class right now.

Namaste!
~Smobergirl

Best day ever!!!

It's snowing, I made the best lunch, and well it's kind of all about the lunch. OH and I'm making 65% less acidic coffee (it's a step), there's new episodes of Penn & Teller's Bullshit, and I am smober today. Still coughing a little, that's normal. But it's not nearly as bad as it was. Day three today. I am still doing my 90 in 90. However I've been picky with my meetings, and doing most of them online and the rest at a church nearby. I'm also spending a lot of time in that recovery chat room still.

It's a good day. I have learned to get out of my head more and stop worrying. Did I tell you in a previous post about the difference when I am long-time sober and long-time drunk? Interest. It's a magic thing that comes to me naturally. I happen to want to actually do stuff when I haven't drank in a long time. It's time I start getting things done. :)

~Smobergirl

It was a good day.

I finished it with a late night yoga class. I bought some sweet cherries today. A little spendy but cheaper than wine and cigs. And danger Dr. Smith, I got a griddle/grill for early Christmas and all I'm thinking about is grilled cheese. I did get apple for them however. Add the good with the bad. My mom also gave me an hourglass coffee and tea maker. Apparently it takes out 65% of the acid. I'll give you a report.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Sadness

However hopeful. I had a wonderful experience at a meeting tonight. There were cool people there, and I made some friends. There was even a hot guy there who worked with some friends I already have. Synchronicity is all over the place today. I met a girl who's dad is in radio whom I met forever ago. I ran into someone five days ago whom I've been thinking about for weeks who I haven't seen for two years. They call it Small Lake City for a reason.

I am doing better now that I found that other recovery chat room. I am actually chatting with someone now.

I stopped watching Lost. I was in season three. I didn't want to be stuck watching ten episodes a day. Maybe I don't want to be addicted to anything right now.

Guitar is therapy. I'm already getting better at it.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

I just have to stop.....

.....watching episodes of Lost online! I was up until 1:20 this morning and 2 yesterday morning. 18 episodes in two days. I need a life! But it is keeping me from bingeing. Can't watch it drunk or I'll forget who died or got kidnapped. Wish you could see me now. I'm in a massage chair getting a pedicure. Mom's treating. Woo. But she gave me this nice top and pants for Christmas that are a little tight so I feel a little exposed, but if I get back to my yoga weight I'd feel much more confident in them. So for breakfast I had 5 raspberries and 1/2 iced coffee-1/2 Teechino. Lunch was lentil soup and 1/2 veggie gyro with 12 ounces of water. I did pilates this morning and I'll get on the treadmill this afternoon.

~Smobergirl

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?" ~Lao-Tzu

I just watched six hours of lost. I need a life! That show is like crack, at least I binged on something that won't kill me. Water: one liter and drinking more now. 1 iced coffee. I made Trader Joe's rice blend (my awesome mom sends me stuff from the Las Vegas store) with Nama shoyu (raw soy sauce) and cracked pepper. Dinner is wild mushroom risotto; and fig jam, Gouda, and marcona almonds on crostini. Still eating kinda bad, but not that bad. ;) Exercise: watching six hours of Lost. I also found another recovery chatroom which I haven't been kicked out of yet. Oh did I tell you about the AA meditation? There's AA meditations! It was pretty awesome.

Namaste,
Smobergirl

Dessert: 1/2 pistachio and 1/2 Baci gelato. I'm not going to smile and hide it, I still feel bad. I feel bad for the last five years since I've been Jeckyll and Hyde. I don't want to he rude to anyone. No one owes me anything and I don't want to play victim anymore. I don't want to blackout and wonder what I did. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. Will little miricales and good karma happen if I stay clean? I'm not at all a sucidal person, but I just wanted to disappear today, just fade out. But the cool bizaare thing that happened to me is the connections I'm having. I met a girl from AA for coffee tonight who works at the paper who took out a regular article I was freelancing. I told her the editor was a victim of one of my drunken emails, again a "how dare you" and playing the victim and being rude. I stopped going to places that the editor hung out out of fear. This is what alcohol does to me. I used to think I was this dumb kid and it went through my adulthood, but actually I'm one of the smartest people I know. And I know exactly what I am doing. Kids and teachers and parents can either build your confidence or really screw you up. I just wish we were more educated about that. I am finally learning to dig myself out of that hole. And gelato does have some anti-depressant qualities. ;)

Namaste,

Smobergirl

90 in 90.

First one today: Quiet meditaion. It was really awesome. Breakfast: a green bar, five raspberries, and a banana. Lunch: minestrone soup and a little sourdough bread. Dinner: no-cheese pizza with olives, garlic, and arugula. Water: 2.5 liters. One iced coffee. One glass of apple cider.

Proposal:

$20 to each of my followers for each relapse before January 1. The holidays are always dangerous, and the excuse to wait until Jan. 1.

I'm not feeling too hot. It was a matter of trusting my instincts to flee the smoke shop when I didn't. It would have been that simple. In the mornings it's never worth it. I was angry at my old work again last night and I enjoyed reveling in it. Sober I would never do that. I'm getting emails regularly from About.com on alcohol, I should read those more. I can't even tell you the reward I get from not smoking and drinking long-term. My body feels different, my mind is definitly different. I look better, I have a ton of more energy. It's like night and day. I need to focus on that.

I slipped. I was thinking of stopping the blog but I won't. I had signals last night. The big wine store was closed due to a gas leak or something. And in line at the smoke store I had a feeling to take off and call my sponsor. It didn't happen and now I have a huge headache and case of guilt. I'm going to a meeting tonight and I guess I will go to one a day for 90 days, which is the recommendation. I have so much support now. I can't just give in like that again.

Day 8.

It was a blessed one. I feel like I'm alive again and have a sense of well being. I also have my appetite back, so I make sure I get on the treadmill, do power yoga, belly dancing or Gilad on TV to balance things out. I studied for my nutrition class final exam; proper nutrition for infants up through the elderly and during pregnancy, global issues, and food safety.

I have all of my Christmas done and put everything under my awesome tinsel tree I've had for four years. I have pine needle incense for that "Christmas tree smell". Haha. This is the website, and I love it so much: www.juniperridge.com

(Deep breath) You don't know how good I feel spiritually right now. I don't know if it's the quit or the Christmas spirit.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day eight

I had 1/4 of a 16 ounce iced coffee. I skipped breakfast (shame, shame). Lunch is an artichoke and fennel panini with fontina cheese and mixed greens with lemon oil. Being a little bad with the cheese. There are several yoga classes I can go to tonight. I bought a punch card so I have to use that up in the month. I think that's a wise thing to do. Get a card so you HAVE to go to classes. ;) Oh Mr. Bennett was divine last night on Jay Leno. Water yesterday: Two liters. Today: 20 ounces so far. It snowed again, which I love. Utah really gets the most perfect snow.

One week!

Thank God. I just need to wait out the craves. Simple, not easy but simple. I have energy today, feel limber, and an overall sense of well being.

~Smobergirl
Day Seven

Can't sleep.

Insomnia, a side effect of quitting. One thing I regret of not choosing events over wine is when I was In Portland two Autumns ago: I missed seeing the birds circle around a chimney for an hour then go down it. This happens every night from 6-7 pm. Two, seeing Everclear play acoustic. Apparently they never do that except in their hometown. In both instances on my trip I chose to drink a bottle of wine in my hotel room instead. Get out of your comfort zone and choose joy over boozing up.

Smobergirl.

Bon Nuit!

One week!

In less than two hours actually. Woohoo! The trick is, and one of my AA buddies told me this today, is to ignore your thinking. Like I said, we drinkies have a thinking problem, a big one. Don't think you are all better because I had a whammo moment tonight. I felt 'cured' today. "Oh, I learned my lesson finally. I'll never go back there. This is great. I'm so proud of myself!". I had my guitar lesson, actually jittery from too much coffee (still working on that one), but it was great. I ate healthy with the exception of the two yummy meatballs, went to yoga, treated myself to black cod at a fancy schmancy restaurant, then WHAMMO. "I want to get wine. I want to get Hint Of Mints. I want to cheat once and not tell anyone. I'm lonely. I'm bored. Just this once." Well, how many just once's have I had? I lost count. I have four numbers in my phone that I could call, but I just called my mom! It actually worked. I didn't tell her what I was going through, we just talked. I want to be a good influence to her and everyone around me.

My bloat has gone down despite my pecan pie binges and the meatballs. ;) My hot Deisel top and D&G jeans are still hanging on my bedroom door. I know if I binge I will continue to have my Homer Simpson face profile. I still put green powder in my spa water, which keeps me feeling good. The lemon or oranges keeps the grassy taste at bay. Wow Natalie Cole sang with the Mormon Tabernacle choir last night. Fabulous. And going to yoga classes and lifting will probably result in the body I had three years ago and perhaps better that I'm not drinking. I had friends from a theater I did plays at in the 90's who were 'skinny fat' like me. One was an aerobics teacher and one hardly ate, but boy could they party! Shots, wine, beer, you name it. They looked beautiful in their clothes or costumes, but to see them close up in a hot tub, they looked kinda squishy. Then my aerobics teacher friend got pregnant, and quit the booze. I saw her five months later and she looked so tight and trim, pregnant! I didn't ask questions, but assumed that it was the lack of drinking. Maybe she changed her diet also, I do not know. I just saw a woman like you see preggo celebs, fit with a little bowling ball in there. However, she looked more fit than she did during her drinking days.

Okay Zach Braff, Tony Bennet, and Sarah Palin are on Conan tonight. I'm recording it if anyone wants to come over this weekend.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day six.

This is going to be good. A rollercoaster probably, but good nonetheless. I'm having a great, crazy day. Still tired. I figure that no matter how hard I try, I will at least eat 70% healthy. I had more pie last night, but not a lot. And I tried to be bad today by getting a meatball Sammy at Moochie's. I've never been there. I ordered the six inch with no cheese, took one amazingly delicious bite, and one of the two enormous meatballs fell out. So I got a knife and fork and just ate the meatballs drenched in marinara. There were so many spices in there I thought I was in Europe myself. It was pretty amazing stuff. And I only had one bite of the French roll. Yay me. Maybe I won't gain a million pounds as I sercretly have worried. I hope the opposite is true and I lose during the "no alcohol diet".

Funny story: my mom wants a good foaming bubble bath. I already got her a nice one on sale at Anthropologie in a tall bottle, hm it looks like a wine bottle a bit. No I didn't drink it! I found another one at The Body Shop in a bottle that looks like a wine bottle. Then I cruised up to Park City and found another nice one by Lollia, in a wine bottle and this one has a cork down in it all the way to the flush. So she's gonna need her cork screw for this one. I did this unintentionally, and just an hour ago I realized what I have done. LOL. She'll either love them or be disappointed they are not wine.

Well that's nice, please ignore my tired face. These are officially my "before" pictures. One I'm not sucking it in, which I call the "Homer Simpson Face", or, the wine belly. mark it today, 12/10/09. Lunch was in the picture, and more leftover potato leek soup. In the photo: a raw marinated portobello mushroom from Ani Phyo, a salad, and a raw version of the brussels sprouts. I added sesame oil for a toasted flavor, which made them very tasty! I'm also having spa water with lemons and ginger chunks.

Workout: 30 minutes incline treadmill and 30 minutes weights and abs. Chest and biceps today.

~Smobergirl

Day Five

Irish oats.

I made some porridge today with oats only cooked 5 minutes instead of the instructed 30. I wanted them hearty, and to keep more vitamins in, according to raw foodists and my nutrition class. Then I added cinnamon, goji berries, blueberries, agave nectar, and walnuts. Yummy. Giada is making something good. She has another nice boobie top on this morning.

I saved $25 in cigarettes and $30+ in wine. Cool eh? I did thank my lucky stars this morning that I didn't give in last night and went to yoga, took a bath, and watched Shrek instead. See I told you this isn't easy, but simple. I got a part-time local TV offer to interview local bands once a month. I am tempted to get a Lucky Brand thermal that says "Karma" on it. I have coupons. Very tempted.

I woke up at 9. My head feels tired but my body is all ready to go. I had a smoker's cough last night and this morning. Getting out the bad stuff. My lips are still dry, I never mentioned that, from dehydration of drinking. It takes about a week to get all 'plumped up' and gorgeous again. :)

~Smobergirl

Day Five

Reverse Hulking.

Fudge me! Well you know what I mean. ;) had a bad craving but talked myself into watching Shrek The Halls followed by a hot bath in Tired Old Ass soak, now I am parked in front of a yoga studio ready to take a class. Yay me.

Namaste,

~Smobergirl
Day four

This quit is an emotional one.

So far since I've hooked up with AA I have no desire to drink but stuff definitely came out today. And if you are detoxing like I am, you need to control your brain. A lot. Either that or I'm just psycho. ;) I'd almost get envious of someone else or think I'm wasting my time by just relaxing, or thinking about a million other things; then I remember what my sponsor said that someone once said to her, "You don't have a drinking problem, you have a thinking problem." It is very true, at least for me, that substances make me lose interest in life. And I can work harder, but for now I am being good to myself and taking it easy, studying nutrition as I need to and picking up the guitar when I feel I want to. In fact I was going to wait for an evening yoga class, then I was pretty stressed and wanted to do it right away, so I did an hour a while ago and I feel much better. So there. Mind you I won't be balanced and will act coo coo for a few months perhaps. I should have said that on post #1. But this time I am actually excited for the transformation. Actually telling you the side effects is fun! I had more potato leek soup for lunch today and I think it tasted better than yesterday. I feel dizzy, which could be the oxygen rush to my brain and organs from not smoking. Well I hope that's it!

~Smobergirl

Day four

It's All In My Mind

Just like Love And Rockets said. I'm having some 'stinkin thinkin' today and I am dropping it and turning my mind around. I am actually learning a lot about myself today. My life will drastically improve without alcohol and I am going through an emotional and physical detox period. I need to be gentle with myself!

Your moood will be booosted!

That's Max Kirsten talking about drinking lots of fruit juice when you quit smoking to raise your blood sugar levels. He's right. That's apple cider next to my spa water there. I had two glasses today and I felt calmer and happy with each glass. Max is British. I also finished watching three hours of Eddie Izzard. He is pretty hysterical. I didn't have cake but I had a small slice of Carlucci's pecan pie from Thanksgiving that no one ate with my juice tonight. I figured about 250 cals vs. 600 empty wine cals should not be horrible, and at this stage, I do not feel bad doing so. I will fit into my Deisel and D&G outfit I promise. Shall I make a date? Next Christmas? Kidding. How about seeing where I'm at in 8 1/2 weeks. Because that movie is kinky. Kidding. I read in the Glamour two years ago that an editor who only drank on the weekends tried the 'no alcohol diet' for nine weeks and lost 15 pounds. Previous readers tried it and lost an average of 9-10. I know enough about nutrition that if I crave that I will make a wise choice and say, not eat the entire pie. The slice I had was about 1/2 of an average pie slice. and I drank boatloads of water to make sure I was full quickly. I also did 20 minutes of yoga, and plan to do something more active yet fun tomorrow. I took a hot ginger bath with peppermint and lavender oils to sweat out some toxins and to relax. I promise NOT to be neurotic if I want a slice of cake (cake please) from SL RoCo or more Beto's, or more pecan pie from the fridge. I also know that my anxieties will only be temporary.

Bonsoir!

~Smobergirl

Day three.

Ow.

I just cut my finger making Sara Snow's healthy potato leek soup. It was pretty tasty though. No dairy involved. And I'm getting better with the brussels sprouts recipe. Heck I half 1/2 stalk left! I'm getting my laugh on now with Eddie Izzard. I did the incline treadmill for ten minutes and I plan do do another workout later. Aaaand the soup made comfy and sleepy. No alchie craves. I should know how to play the game when I do. There's always a meeting it seems from 6am to 1 am. There is one at a church I like in a few hours I may go to. Do you like my Hello Kitty bandage?

Smobergirl

Day three.

Feeling a little heavy after small sandwich. I also don't feel that my appetite is back. I haven't been eating too dense foods so that could be why. But I feel warm nonetheless. ;)

Morning. Groggy but it's the first in five days that I woke up before 11. I got up at 9, making progress. Had a handful of blueberries and looked out the window. Snow. And lots of it! I'm probably the only person that likes driving in it. I'm at Marmalade with an iced coffee and an egg, pesto, and English muffin sandwich. It's really beautiful out there today.

Better day.

99% of the anxiety is gone. I ate well today, lots of soup and a portobello 'burger' without the bun. I snacked on bleu cheese, spiced almonds, crusty bread (just a little), and cooked pears. I had a salad with ahi for dinner. Water: 2 liters. One iced coffee, 12 ounces. Exercise: 20 minutes easy yoga.

I met with my sponsor and she's a neat girl. Step one is to jot down how I felt physically and emotionally by drinking, and how it effected my job, friends, and family. It actually didn't effect my job until after I quit, well I should say I was just mean to them after I quit. I haven't effected my family with it, yet I have scared off a few friends and annoyed people, but not my really close buds. They are the empathetic and forgiving kind. You know physically and mentally it did the worst on me. Muscle tightness, headaches, sickness, loss of appetite, guilt, fear, and anxiety happened 9 times out of ten.

I am also subscribing to the about.com alcohol e-newsletter which is so informative. I think I can do this now that I have my AA bud and my new sponsor watching over me. That's what I wanted, some kind of guardians. I cannot nor think that most people can do something like this alone. And now I think I have the tools to get on with my dieting experiment. I heard a great quote recently, "It's not easy, but it's simple."

Love,

Smobergirl

Day two is done.

I am in my car nursing a bean burrito from Beto's. My sponsor sounds awesome and we are meeting tomorrow. It is so relieving to get empathy. Not too many people understand us. It's like a club. Ha ha. It's freezing, but so nice to breathe in the crisp air. I got out for a sec and took my coat off. I actually like this Lady Gaga song that's playing on BBC Radio 1. I love sattelite radio. I wish I was British. I think I'd fit in nicely in the UK. I have to thank Ames again for talking to me tonight. Talking to a friend from long ago is very comforting. I'm just trying not to be sad, like I said alchohol=depressant. Especially the day after. This too, will pass. Water-2 liters. Two iced coffees. Vegan breakfast. Leftovers for lunch. Burrito for dinner.

AA

Doing it. Found a sponsor, gonna do the steps. Without feeling like I have a disease though and believe that I can be happy and never go back.

Ill.

I just ate three cups of popcorn with olive oil, tamari, parmesan and brewer's yeast and 1/2 pint of frozen coconut dessert. I am sicker than a dog. Anything to not drink or smoke! Is this gonna suck? Am I just going to get fatter? Bitter? Okay I'm just having a moment. This is not easy. I am being distracted however with Adventureland and a sour stomach. Ha ha.

~Smobergirl

II

Can't sleep.

And Michael, I actually hugged myself minutes before I saw your comment! Synchronicity. I was in the recovery chat room, now I'm reading the AA book online. Here's an excerpt:

It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.

Sounds familiar, then again I have good friends who love me and who are very worried and/or supportive. Speaking of coincidences, I heard on the radio Aaliyah's version of that "pick yourself up, dust yourself off" song. This usually happens after a relapse. I'll see something or hear a song that assures me that everything will be okay. Sigh I sure hope so. I have to do this so I can show you actual progress. I'm going public with my dependancy because I need all the help I can get. And I like to post pictures.

Love,

Smobergirl

Hopeful again.

Isn't this roller coaster fun? I found an AA chat room. They have a morning, noon, and night meeting every day, but people are in there all the time. Made Eva's brussels sprouts again and I think I'm getting closer. That, butter leaf salad with bleu cheese and pears, and popcorn was dinner. I wish I was Bruce Springsteen. I wish I could cure myself with the snap of my fingers. I wish I had a million dollars. I wish Barenaked Ladies wasn't sold out. I am thankful for all that I am and everything I have, and I want to stop being self-destructive. And I miss the cute biologist I dated in 2004. And I know I can find a cuter one. Or illustrator, or computer geek, or rocket scientist.

~Smobergirl

I.

I feel absolutely miserable. That's the effect of the day after drinking.

It's a crisp winter night that feels like fall in Provo. I was at a craft fair and it was very pleasant. It's funny that most of us don't think we are good enough. I know several artists who say they are not artists, a radio DJ who says he's the worst interviewer, musicians who beat themselves up if they forget lyrics that I don't catch. I feel plenty inadequate sometimes yet a lot of peeps look up to me, most even nervous around me, but that's only my DJ label, not me. I'm hardly scary. When I drink there's an inner annoying butch but that's not me, and problems don't get solved that way. Most of the time I really need a hug when people don't think I need one.

~Smobergirl
I.

The reason I have this blog is to prove that not only certain foods make you slimmer, but make you feel better and in turn treat others better. Alcohol makes me angry and depressed. They call it a toxin or "demon" or "poison" for a reason. I can't apologize enough for taunting the people I care for when I'm on it, especially my old boss right now. I wanted and thought I deserved more at that job, but that doesn't make me right. It was a tough job, when I never got a full time position I started judging myself. You can't let things like that affect your self esteem. But the new place I'm at is so different. I'm treated like a rock star there. It is a volunteer position, but I am loving it there. I notice a pattern when I drink I like to visit people who I think hurt me or ruined my life and rip them a new one. I need another game plan to let those pasts fade.

Thanks for reading.

~Smobergirl

Nice outfit!

They are hung up and ready for me to fit into them again one day. I didn't notice that they kinda look nicely together. The jeans were a present my mom found at TJ Maxx, Dolce and Gabbanas, pretty fancy. They didn't fit until I went to that yoga bootcamp, well they didn't fit even then although I lost a pant size. It wasn't until a year later I went gluten-free, that sure made me lose another size, and I wore the pants once. Then I went back to bread and pasta and I went up a little again. Then I ate cheese again and ate at restaurants that probably used a lot of oil and butter. Eateries are known to use three times more oil, butter, and salt than normal. The top, which I miss dearly, is a silky Diesel number I got on sale. The gray flowers are silk organza, and the men dug it. It's so soft and lovely. It used to fit, then two Summers ago I tried it on, and it squished my boobs so they looked square. Not pretty. Then that September I went to Portland, land of whole, local, sustainable food. Somehow I gained 5 pounds in 5 days there. Could be Voodoo Doughnuts, blue corn pancakes, and more wine in the hotel room instead of watching Everclear play acoustic in their hometown. More regrets and more weight. I don't have to tell you that drinking also leads to salt and crappy food cravings. I do my best here at home, but I was on vacation! And yes sometimes I have a little cheat food. Hmmm, like my weekly risotto and white crusty bread blue cheese spiced almond appetizer at Tin Angel. Damn, busted. However, now that I read Oprah's trainer's 'five bad foods' list and hung up the little clothes, I think things will be different. I had that soup and sammy today, then when I hung up the clothes on the door I only had a salad and quinoa mixed with my bs dish (brussels sprouts). for dinner I made a fresh mango, lime, satsuma, and blood orange tea smoothie. Remember the blood orange tea I had at Marmalade? Well I found some in bulk, and it is so delicious and packed with vitamin C. I got it online at Adagio teas. It's just dried blood oranges. I went to The Tea Grotto and they have a black tea version, but I wanted just the herbal tea. Tea Grotto in Sugarhouse has more than 100 teas and is the best. I have dried ginger, peppermint, chamomile, and lavender from there. I like to mix them up for different needs I have.

Well, I did well for my bod and mind today. Exercise: Total Body Sculpt With Gilad and 10 minutes sun salutations. Water: 2 liters. Iced coffee: 12 ounces.

~Smobergirl

Deux

Killing the monster.

Whew this kinda is really hard. That's why I haven't stuck with it since August 18! There is a holiday craft thing tonight that can keep me occupied though. Breathing, breathing. Drinking water. May go get an iced coffee to keep me occupied. I practiced guitar, and read about preemie babies for my class. Water is helping. Oh so that brussels sprouts dish, it's actually something I've never made, but that I'm trying to re-create from a local restaurant. I almost did it, but I think I didn't add enough cider vinegar. Still yummy. Yeah you can buy a whole freaking stalk of them at a produce market. Guess what I'll be making for the next two weeks? I heard that Barefoot Contessa has a good roasting recipe online.

Okay feeling better. Bath time then dinner, then craft fair.

Appreciate what I do have. That's what I'm going to do today. I have a stalk of Brussels sprouts I have to use soon, and my fav recipe is them thinly sliced with cider vinegar and toasted hazlenuts. I was going to get the hazelnuts, but instead I think I'll use the walnuts I have. Remember how I raved about toasting those? Then after studying ang guitar I think I'll go through my closet and see what I haven't worn in a year. Then I'll hang those skinny designer jeans up and that silk top where I can see them for inspiration. Then I'll tattoo Obama's "Change" on my forhead. Or just write it on my bathroom mirror. Then French films tonight with crack popcorn I'll dodge again from the cat.

It's a happy smober day, but I haven't been up long and so far it's a typical day two morning. I'm a little sleepy, my eyes are watering profusely, and I'm a little phlegmy. But I am cleaning up for the last time. I just have to promise you that. I'm making goals. I have a pair of D&G jeans that I fit one time a few years ago, and a favorite silk top that I have to squeeze into. I read a site online with Opra's trainer who listed 5 foods to avoid. Alcohol was one of them! Also white bread, soda, trans fats, and fried foods. I happened to have 1/4 of the baguette (white) from my snadwich today, and falafel (fried) yesterday. There are plenty of delicious alternatives that can make me healthier. Other than that and the wine I'm doing pretty well. I'm eating more soup now that it's getting colder. I just avoid cream soups. So, I am going to get on the treadmill and do Gilad. Then practice the geetar and study. Then I'll go back to the French films.

A tout alours!

~Smobergirl

I will post the picture of the beautiful ravioli dish I had at Tipica when I get home. Had a nice lazy day, maybe too lazy. Rented 2 French films recommended by handsome Tower Theater guy and started on "The Double Life of Veronique". Now it's local band time then sleeping like a baby. Bon Nuit!
~Smobergirl
Un.

OMG!

The best thing I've discovered since the hot biologist I dated in 2004, TOASTED WALNUTS. I made that pear walnut salad for Thanksgiving with the nuts raw, then I looked at the recipe again and it said to put them in a 400 degree oven for four minutes. So today I did and it's like night and day. Try it! I added pomegranate seeds to this one. Yeah that's bleu cheese. Hey, I had some left over! ;) For breakfast earlier I went to a vegan diner and had a black bean burrito. Now I air-popped popcorn from my "Yard of Popcorn" I got at World Market and did the Bragg's aminos and nutritional yeast mix on it. Did I tell you nutritional yeast is like crack to my cat? I can't have a bowl of popcorn with out him trying to put his face in it. So I looked up "my cat loves nutritional yeast" and according to several sites, it's not only good for him, but there are yeast tablets for pets. It repels fleas and is high in vitamin B, and it's good for their coats. Score. So I'm letting cat lick the bowl. Maybe I should still call the vet, just in case.

Try something new...

...get rid of what doesn't work, (ahem), and do lots of yoga. Aside from the obvious, I had a 1/2 grilled cheese and 7 fries and felt sick to my stomach 10 minutes later. I did get my Vegan Living for Dummies book in. I should know better. These were from a local cafe where I was watching a poetry slam (something new). I just got out of an amazing yoga class (It's medicine for the mind, body, and soul. Why don't I 'prescribe' myself this every day? ), and I thought I was hungry when I actually just needed water and an after workout snack, like an orange or nuts. But no, I was craving salt. My bad. It was frozen fries and processed swiss that you can stretch a foot without breaking it. Bad news bear. Anywho, I had these young poets on my show today and they were incredible! I had no appreciation for spoken word until I saw these guys. Then I saw the show tonight at the evil grilled cheese place, and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. They are called poetry slams. Look 'em up and find one. This guy was on my show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjUldzppc74

Well, I'm exhausted. A side effect of quitting cigs and booze is insomnia, and lucky for me I had a good workout and screamed my head off at the slam.

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl

~Un

Now Here vs. Nowhere

It's just a space. Baron Baptiste taught me that at the yoga bootcamp. He said that means be in the here and now. When you think about the past or future you are "nowhere". Another yogi I deeply admire, Rolf Gates, said that you just make yourself suffer if you think about regrets or worry. I definitely need to practice that more, even though I'm getting a little better at it. I sent apology emails and now I'm letting that go.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

I am a huge Monty Python fan, and actor Graham Chapman died of throat cancer when he was 48 in either 1989 or 1990 I think. I just learned from a documentary that he was a doctor, and I do believe he drank quite a lot. I'll have to do some investigating. I admire him and the entire cast. Laughter is quite the medicine. I am sad it could not keep Mr. Chapman alive.

Slipped.

I felt a huge hole in my gut all morning. I sent a few hate emails last night, I told you when I drink I'm pretty good at that. You'd think I'd run out of people to send angry emails to. I just hope I have learned my lesson this time. I was just on the phone with my dad, which brought up my spirits a little.

~Smobergirl

Hi Pete!

No news on your silly show. Go do your job and stop stalking me.

I've lost 5 pounds last week by not eating cheese and cutting down on coffee, and drinking green tea every day, and eating fruit for breakfast. Hips and waist have gone down a bit, and I'm losing the wine bloat. Oh yeah. Bandit struck a pose.

~Smobergirl

Morning! I had a satsuma and five grapes this morning. I'meeting my mother for lunch. We have been having fun and she's here for one more day. We did our black Friday shopping yesterday. I let her wake up at an ungodly hour and I joined her at 11. It was a great time. My exercise was walking for 5 hours shopping. ;) Today I'll do yoga or gilad.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

A beautiful, synchronistic, day.

I found this online today: http://www.lime.com/node/22734 I was truly inspired. Whew. Big day. Everyone came over at noon and cooked up a storm. We watched a little of the game and countless episodes of Arrested Development. Then my mother and I saw the movie Old Dogs, which really surprised me. Then I had some leftovers, took a bath, and saw Fantastic Mr. Fox. I thought it was so good. Highly recommended by yours truly. Now I have to practice my guitar scales because I have a lesson tomorrow afternoon. Then bed!

Have a safe black Friday!

~Smobergirl

Day one.

Synchronicity!

What a strange Thanksgiving. I had a strong feeling to see Fantastic Mr. Fox because the TV kept playing the trailer. When I arrived at the theater, leaving was my downstairs neighbor! Good or bad karma? They don't call it Small Lake City for nothing. I should of said hello, but I'm still afraid to do so. Maybe next time. I do say hi in the elevator even though she always gives me the silent treatment. I think she may be just as afraid of me as well. People by habit are afraid of each other.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I behaved today. I drank Golden Star carbonated tea, had not too many cheesy fingerling potatoes with roasted garlic or stuffing, and started with an awesome salad I made. It's red butter leaf lettuce with walnuts, bleu cheese, and pears. I can't avoid the cheese for the holidays. ;)

Than my mom and I went to see Old Dogs. I didn't think it would be my cup of tea, but I thought it was really cute. My seat happened to be next to a guy I went to high school with who I just saw at my 20th reunion this Summer. We actually hung out once, at that same theater just months ago. Crazy!

Hot bath time. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my health, my two tabby cats, my family, and strange coincidences.

~Smobergirl

Starting over, with an excuse.

There is always a trigger or an excuse. Tonight I had both. My mom is in town for the holiday, and all night she either had wine in a to-go cup, or ordered wine at dinner. My problem is that I lead her to believe I'm not drinking or smoking. I don't tell her that I'm tempted when she does. I pretend to be the good example. If I didn't drink tonight I'd see her, my brother, and his fiance drink all afternoon and smoke on my balcony tomorrow, then cave when they leave, especially if there is any vino left. And there's a gas station somewhere open on Thanksgiving where I can get cigarettes. Here's the excuse part: Ta da, if I give in today that means I'll quit Thanksgiving! I'll be free forever and what a day to quit. Yeah, then there's Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, the first of April, my birthday...

Tonight at least I'm drinking a glass of water in between each glass of petit sirah. I'll probably feel like crap tomorrow, but I'm trying to take care of my body a little but better with this relapse.

I know what's going on. My friends praise me for me being aware of my situation. Great! Fabulous! Now I need to get to the spot when I actually walk my talk and they say, "Wow! You did it!".

Tonight I bought my Capris and told my friend the local small grocery store clerk that I quit tomorrow. He also wants to quit. So I can't get cigs there anymore, but of course there will be other places that I can get them. Should I post it on Facebbook, call every convenience store, liquor and wine store, and smoke shop in Utah saying, "Don't let me buy this crap anymore!"? LOL Well maybe I can.

Now, my mother did bring an extra vapor inhaler. She got it for her best friend who said she wanted one, then changed her mind. My mom is hoping my brother and his fiance want to quit, and will offer it to them tomorrow. I could corner her first before they come over, and tell her the truth and ask for it. Then I could drink wine at night and use that...baby steps...or use it during the day and at night with no wine. What's a girl to do.

Good night my friends. This has to be my last relapse.

~Smobergirl tomorrow

Just play nice.

I have soooooo learned that my life is a million times better if I am pleasant. Even if I fake it. Have you heard the phrase "What you resist persists"? That is an 100% totally true statement. If you let things go life is just easier. This ties into drinking and smoking because I lose my judgment from the wine and get anxiety from the cig chemicals. So I have no problems being right and getting all pissy. But that is not the real me. Without the toxins in my body I am happier, pleasant, and a much better person. I ran into my downstairs neighbor in the elevator today and she's still not speaking to me after I had some noisy boys on my balcony at a Christmas party four years ago, and she was scared to death when she found out I was getting a jetted tub. I don't know her all that well but I get from her that she is gentle, kind of unhappy in general, and sensitive. I'm not the only one she's mad at. When I was new in the building she'd always have someone to complain about in our old elevator adventures. I have apologized, but explained my side which just made her angrier. So if I only just apologized then maybe she'd smile and talk to me during our current elevator rides. What you put out there definitely comes back to you.

Hey, I just heard a commercial jingle, "Every day's a new day". It is! Life is also what you make it.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

P.S. Go Donny Osmond!

I'm definitely addicted to ice.

Don't worry I don't have pica. I mean I love iced drinks. Even if something is cold, I prefer ice in it. Even when I drank red wine. It's something my mother does. By the way my mother and step-dad just bought vapor inhaler cigarette substitutes from Japan, about $79 each. They like them very much and hope to quit smoking in one month, which the product promises. I hope they can quit! I hope I can too.

There is a neat Christmas market downtown with food and crafts. I may go get a little lunch there. I had so many grapes as big as golfballs this morning from Costco. Of course I had to get a clamshell of the things that weighs about 5 pounds, so I'm going through them like there is no tomorrow. But like I said, be careful O.D.ing on fruit. ;) Also, I have been advised not to buy conventional grapes, for they are on the 'dirty dozen' pesticide list. Then there is the other side, actually it was Penn & Teller LOL, who said more farms use synthetic pesticides which are completely safe. I washed the suckers very well anyway.

~Smobergirl

Ubisoft Health Coach

http://stopsmokingwithallencarr.ubi.com/

If you want to quit smoking and you don't have an iPhone, I highly recommend that website. I spent three hours last night playing with Alan Carr's Ubisoft Apple application on my iPhone. I am a highly visual kind of gal, so I loved playing the games and watching the little fun stick figure guy. I hope this will help my smobriety.

Eating healthy today. Tofu scramble and new potatoes this morning. Snacks for lunch: Persian cucumber slices, Popchips, cold cooked shrimp in BBQ sauce, and cherry tomatoes. I am taking a soup and mixed rice, and popcorn to work.

Love,

Smobergirl

I have to go back to what I said about planning each hour out, or something! What a hypocrite I am. Also it was cool talking to that rehab owner. I got overly dramatic about the cost. I know they are expensive, especially the cushy ones. This place looks like a luxury resort. I woner if I told him it was me with the problem if he would have given me more advice, but he did tell me some things that made me smile. I'll keep taking the supplements, I now feel calmer After taking them for a week or so, and listening to the CDs. I do agree with them that even a former alchie should not think he or she is diseased or will be scarred for life. I haven't eaten at a major fast food chain except on road trips when the family stops then I'll get a plain salad, since 2003. But I think about them once in a while and put the more negative thoughts in my head. That doesn't make me scarred for life. But it's funny how I can be grossed out by MSG and other chemicals, as well as saturated fat; but feel free to put cigarette chemicals and ethanol in my body. I'm still waiting for that movie! I could put up the evil chemical list up on my fridge. That may help, or a picture of a cirrosis liver. Scare tacticts don't help everyone but they seem to be effective on me, and I romantisize these toxins. Tarzan need turn thinking around. Grunt.

~Smobergirl

More analyzing.

I love this blog! I like typing better than writing, and I get to share all of my crazy stories with you! (as well as show you that I am really crazy too LOL)

I might have said this earlier, but I may also drink to do this, "Awe, poor baby" thing the next day. Does that make sense? I destruct myself so I can repair and coddle myself the next day subconsciously. Because I am alone and have no one to comfort me, that's how I do it? The thought just crossed my mind. It makes sense to me.

Thanks,

Smobergirl

I just drove past a billboard that says, "Stick With Sobriety" and it had sticky notes on it with grocery lists and the word "drugs" was crossed out. Synchronicity!

I woke up at 10:30 this morning a little headachy and phlegmy. I had five units of cabernet last night with Capri cigs. I took my Passages supplements and I feel pretty calm. I have a glass bottle of water here. Did laundry, fed the cats. The cute eating machines. I'm just happy that my 15-ur old tabby eats like crazy. He got skinny real quickly and he may have a thyroid. Not feeling too guilty this time, I'm just back on the smober horse. What new thing can I promise you? To have a phone list to call for help when I'm craving, a new goal, carry my worksheets with me always? I could jot everything down in my iPhone. Well time for a vegan breakfast of steamed veggies and a nut burger with guacamole. I hope it snows today!

~Smobergirl

Erase that!

Holy cow, just what happened to intoxicated me?

I googled Passages Malibu, and found "Passages Malibu Scam". I looked that up, and it said, oh dear, they charge $68,550 for a one month session and don't do it, even though the owner's son went through heroin addiction for 10 years, blah blah blah. So I called Passages myself just now. I got the receptionist, and I just asked how much a one-month long session was, and she said she'd forward me to an expert. Great. I'm going to talk to a quack who will give me a great sales pitch. Then I get a familiar voice. "Hello, this is Chris." It's the owner! I recognized his voice from the CDs!! I said, "HI. I just have one question. How much do you charge for a one-month session?" "Well ____" He found my last name. How? And funny that he calls me by my last name. He says a month session is $78,000 and if you get therapy at a nearby facility without his and his son's help it's $38,000. From the horse's mouth. My 2008 Subaru costs $25,000. Then he asks who's it for. On the top of my head I lied and said it's for my 32-yr old cousin. I'm 38. "That's young!" He says. "What is she addicted to?" Alcohol and cigarettes. "You know, the cigarettes are worse than the alcohol. But I bet she can't do one without the other." Which is true in my case. "We have the best experts in the country who can help her with that. Thanks for calling, ____(my last name). Have a good night". Wow. Chris Prentiss in the audio flesh. $78,000. That's probably about the Porsche I want or an RV. $78,000. I was expecting $3,000 which my parents could throw down for me. Seventy-eight THOUSAND DOLLARS. I could do so many things more with that. Go to Europe and see my friends 70 times. Go around the globe. Buy an electric car or two. Feed Ethiopia. Shit! According to Chris' $8.99 iPhone book I can fix myself if I get a therapist, a medic, and an acupuncture guy or gal. That would add up to oh, $1,000-$5,000 maybe in a month? Holy crap. That makes Anthony Robbins sound cheap. $78,000. Wow. Do I get a diamond ring with that? Sorry. I'm buzzed and I know I'm not on heroin, cocaine, or anything else harsher than what I am doing. What I did get from the book and $39 CD is that alcohol is ethanol, which scars your liver. And I've seen it in the art show Bodyworlds, which came to my town last year. It is art in the form of cadavers, but also shows a black lung, fatty liver, and a cirrhosis liver which was shrunken and had scars all over it. Chris Prentiss of Passages said ethanol burns the liver, leaving scars. I should ask my nutrition teach about that also. I seems true. But unfortunately the exhibit did not leave a mark on me, which I wish it should have. I am still young and maybe I should had told Chris it was me with the problem. But $78,000? If I spent $2000 on cigs and wine per year since 1995, that would be...$28,000! Wow. But is it worth almost 4-fold more? $28,000. Is that right? That's a good car. Well, in the morning I will kick myself again. Some people will think that's not a big deal, but it is to me. In a Passages CD ($78,000????) Chris said that negative feelings beget more negative neurotransmitters in the brain, and positive feelings bring more positive in the brain. So, if this is true, if I stop thinking, "Poor me, I'm a trust fund baby who is immensely creative but feels inadequate and 'stupid', then I will continue to feel so." But if I "fake it 'till I make it". Like Baron Baptiste says, then I will become successful. And more than that, If what Chris and his son Pax Prentiss says is true, that "If you are a junkie and you stop, your life will be greater than those who have never used in the first place". Is this true? One: Look at Mormons' Donny and Marie Osmond. Both have had great successes yet hardships. Marie was divorced twice. Donny seems to be doing well but has performing issues with Dancing With The Stars. I think it's the sugar too many Mormons eat in place of drugs. That's just me. But look at them, still more successful than alchie me. Then look at Robert Downey Jr.. Junkie for many years. A little successful being an actor in the 80s but not as popular as Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Crier, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Demi Moore, or Andrew McCarthy. Gets arrested for many a drug occasion, cleans up, gets arrested again. Cleans up for good this time in the 90's and he is praised for the main role in "Chaplin". Then falls again. Then he's featured in SPIN Magazine in 2001, divorced, but clean. Then in 2002 he's arrested again. Cleans up for the last time, does some more movies and the feature character in an Elton John music video...then...VIOLA! After four years sober gets the Iron Man role. And look at him now. He also did a spectacular job in the 2007 pic "Tropic Thunder", which this American dude plays an Australian dude playing a black dude. He's been clean ever since. Look at him now. Iron Man II is in the works and he did that film about another black dude, Jaime Foxx in "The Soloist" and "Sherlock Holmes" will come out Christmas Day. This man was a huge junkie who got into a lot of legal trouble, plenty of jail time, and lost his wife. But look at him now! I only use wine and cigarettes, but a copious amount, and got two DUIs, and only served 48 hours jail time. Robert spent way more than that in jail. So can I compare myself? Can I hope if I clean up I can be as great as he?

Bon Nuit.

Smobergirl tomorrow.

Oops I did it again.

Should I feel ashamed? It's been three months and two days since I started this blog. I thought it would save my life. I said I have done everything except for rehab. I do not have the time, well I can make the time but I do not want to put my life on hold to spend 1 to 3 months in a rehab. If I did, it would probably be Passages. Actually that is something to think about. I can not go to school next semester and come out to my mother again, who does not know what to give me for Christmas, but then there is the issue who can take care of my cats for a month. Can I take them to Malibu with me to the center? That could be an adventure if I could. Then I'd have to tell my father. I think he'd understand. A month is only four weeks come or go if you think about it. I'd go In January and come back for my Mom's gourd festival in February in AZ. The station, well, I'd have to talk to them and have about four weeks off. I can have a popular Utah artist or another jock fill in for me at that time. Hmmm. That is something to think about. Thank God this isn't the corporate station I worked for. This company seems to be much more lenient and empathetic.

I will do this and just you wait, Henry Higgins.

Love,

To be Smobergirl

Uh oh...late night snack...

1/2 baked sweet potato, cut into fries, with olive oil and cayenne salt dipped in Vegenaise and Annie's Naturals BBQ Sauce. I have absolutely no regrets.

~Smobergirl

Another day smober!

That was easy because I timed out my day. Maybe that would be wise, to plan what to do each hour of every night. I went to gallery stroll at 5, and the free food wasn't going to appear at that particular gallery until 6, so I went to Sage's and had a delicious vegan shitake mushroom stir fry....and a vegan chocolate peanut butter shake. I was good and drank only 8 of the 16 ounces. Then I went to some other galleries and funky shops participating and found some good stocking stuffers. One was the Mormon Kama Sutra. Oh yes. It is new and illustrated by long-time Utah cartoonist Pat Bagley. Hysterical! Now I'm in bed with the report. Tomorrow night I plan to see the light ceremony (they are doing it a week earlier this year instead of the day after Thankgiving) then go to a friend's birthday party. This friend of mine knows about my smober goals.

Bon nuit!

~Smobergirl

Awesome Fall day!

I went in-line skating at Liberty Park today before my guitar lesson. It was fantastic. I have to work out to get my endorphins up as well as to stay fit. I picked up some nice pine cones on the skate. Now I'm having a veggie sandwich at Nostalgia Cafe on 1st. Then I will study prenatal nutrition for my class, take a shower, and hit gallery stroll!

Unfortunately it's also waste my money week. LOL. I spent a bit for Christmas presents yesterday due to distract a crave, then I spent that exact amount that night on a traffic ticket! Noooooooo. I turned left at a construction zone with a no left turn sign. Bugger. Then today I got sucked in to internet shopping. The holiday deals are frickin' dangerous! Then I find on Facebook that one of my holistic therapists has come out with the book, "Veganism For Dummies". Do I need it? No. But I want it. You know, I know my vegan facts pretty well. I think I'll just go to the B&N and thumb through it. I've done enough damage for two days. I have saved about $60 to $90 in the last week on evil vices. LAWL I have spent more, but everyone has their rules. I can afford it now, and one shopping spree was due to a crave; and I don't shop EVERY time I am craving. So maybe I'm being bad. I'm not smoking or drinking, and I am allowing myself to go crazy for a while. But I can't keep relapsing or I will keep going crazy!!

Okay sammich was awesome. Time for a quick study, a hot shower, and Gallery stroll! I'll just have free dinner tonight at the galleries. Muahahah.

~Smobergirl

day eight

It's going to be a good one. Got my small iced coffee in hand after drinking 12 ounces of water. It's warmer than usual and the sun is out. I haven't been to Koko's in years so I'm going there for lunch. It's a healthy Japanese joint. KRCL is playing jammin' tunes today. I have a guitar lesson at 2. Then Gallery Stroll is tonight. That's every Friday evening of each month. Galleries in Salt Lake feature new art, and sometimes free nibbles and live music. I always go and have a blast. Have a great Friday!

Like Ganesh, I can break through all obstacles.

Smobergirl

Good morning! One week smober today! Let's see if I can make it to two. I took my Passages calming supplements this morning, followed by a handful of pomegranite seeds, a banana, iced coffee, and about 30 white cheddar bunnies from Annie's Naturals. I know, it's processed flour and dairy, oy.i had a fierce salt craving. I need to get more oatmeal so I can have that handy. For my online class there are four more chapters and a final exam in a month!

I'm going to start putting time aside to meditate once a day. I'm still thinking about acupuncture, but I am already doing self-acupressure, which is vary relaxing.

The sun is out on this brisk day. Enjoy it!

I made it another day smober. I went to a concert tonight at a theater usually reserved for operas and musicals. It was Puscifer, Maynard Keenan of Tool's new side project. It's a funnier yet still political side of Keenan. It was pretty naughty but I laughed and had a great time!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day six!

Good morning! I woke up at 7:30 and I'm at Oasis having a mint ginger tea, and a tofu veggie scramble with roasted red bell pepper sauce. Superb. I'm a little phlegmy and coughing a bit, but my energy is high. I am ready to tackle my assignment. I got some Boiron holistic tablets in lobelia and nux vomica. The first staves off craves and the second helps post nausea. I like them a lot. My friend had to stop smoking for a month because of surgery, and she swore by them. The Passages supplements? Well, I am not feeling any different, but they are packed with body-healing vitamins. They better work, they were expensive. ;)

Hello. :)

The dancers were terrific. I went to see a group called Pilobulous. They are this crazy modern dance group founded in 1971, the year I was born! It was good arty farty fun.

Then after the show I drove in front of my place and bawled my eyes out again for no reason. Then I got a burrito, ate 1/2 of it, and now I'm in bed with my hot water bottle, as prescribed by my former holistic therapist. I had a crave before and kinda after the show, but they were both pretty weak. That reminded me of my breaking fast-food habit. I'd think about egg mcmuffins but then I chose not to go there. I couldn't go there anymore after watching Supersize Me. Now where's the alcohol and cig documentary Sundance film? After three months I just didn't think about fast food chains anymore. I don't think Beto's plain bean burritos count because that's just beans, salt, and tortilla. If anyone finds out they use lard or MSG, please let me know. Besides, I plan to break that habit as well.

So I'm just going to play around on my computer or read "Medititaions From The Mat" by Rolf Gates until I fall asleep. I have my web article up that I'm going to write my final nutrition assignment on. Being older really does make a difference. This class has been so fun and a cinch.

Good night my friends,

Smobergirl

Day 5

Sorry for the type-os and split message, for I will fix them when I can get on my computer. It's nice to text posts from my phone though. I feel better. What an emotional day though. I felt like just doing nothing all day. I did work out with Gilad however. I'm also stoked for this modern dance show. I took modern and jazz as a kid so I love all kinds of artsy fartsy dancing.

I haven't gotten anything done! Stuff came out and I spent the last two hours crying on the sofa watching a taped Dancing With The Stars. Now I'm out for a walk getting some air and vitamin D. Even though my parents were profectionists which made me one in fear, maybe I should just chill and take care of myself. My easy as pie assignment isn't due until tomorrow night. I will only submit my painting if I can get a good percentage out of the sale. What else? Oh for sure I will do a fun FitTV workout today. That is medicine. I just feel guilty all the time being a bum, but if I got a 9-5 senseless job I'd be more unhappy. I am very, very fortunate to afford the time to put myself together. I need to see this a truly a blessing and not worry what others will think of me. Some may make fun of me out of jealousy. And if not they have too much time on their hands. I watched Kelly Osbourne on Dancing...and in this show she explains that she turned to drugs after the Osbourne's reality show started and she heard radio DJs making hateful comments about her. It seems most of us addicts start using when we don't feel adequate enough. Do I need to tell you that? Well I'm off to be frivolent and get my free boxers. Then maybe I'll finish my painting.

I am feeling jittery from the coffee. I feel better when I have it in the afternoon, so I think it's time for another experiment. Tea or smoothies in the morning, and a 12 oz iced coffee in the afternoon. If that amount gives me anxiety then I'll quit coffee. I had a great morning, got a couple of plants and an Italian sandwich and salad which I will eat at home. Gotta finish painting, nutrition assignment, get free boxers at Lucky Brand, practice guitar, work out, and go to a modern dance show tonight!

Tired this morning and phlegmy. When my French friends stayed at my dad's we were all over there one night and started looking at our toe patterns. (don't ask), my dad's and my second toe is longer than our big toe. He said that means we are psychotic. That explains it. ;) I listened to another Passages CD last night and found it to be extremely helpful. It talks about most addictions but this CD had a bunch of wine examples. That was great for me. The speaker also talked about cigarettes and caffeine as (bad) substitutes for the harsher stuff. However, he still drinks coffee occasionally. This is the boy who started Passages with his father because of his (the boy) addiction to heroin. I finally went to sleep at 1 so maybe that's why I'm a bit tired. Breakfast: iced coffee, tofu scramble and new potatoes with fresh salsa. Passages herbal supplements.

Still feeling light...

...joyful and hopeful. I didn't say earlier that I had a craving last night, and it SUCKED, but I waited two hours and it went away, and it's like a breath of fresh air. I am excited for this transformation, which I am hoping my life will change and I'll become definitely a better person with a clearer head. I know for sure the anxieties will go away at least.

I ate very well today. I ate meat, but little dairy. I had a lamb stew which came with mashers from Tin Angel, so there was probably milk and maybe butter in the mash. However one thing at a time remember? And I have cut down the dairy, pasta, and bread significantly. Then for dinner I had miso soup and a Baja roll at Happy Sumo. That's tuna, avocado, chopped jalepenos, and a dollop of sriracha. Beware of 'spicy tuna'. That usually means MAYONAISE. So just ask for plain tuna and sriracha hot sauce.

Water: 2.5 liters. Iced coffee: 18 oz.

I interviewed a local musician on my show today who's band played for free tonight at a record store. The people who showed up are the people I like: lovers of music. Plus those indie-music loving men are usually very cute. I ran into several friends and had a great time. It was a moment of joy.

Good night my friends!

Smobergirl

Day quatro!

Poop.

I've been meaning to do the 'potty' talk' since September, but I kept forgetting. Those uncomfortable with the toilet subject don't have to read on. And I know I'm sick for talking about this after talking about my lunch. Sorry.

Since I started this blog eating much more fiber and less processed foods, I've been regular! Every morning I go #2, which is a sign of health. Then I usually poop again about 5 pm. Don't you love this talk? Do not take your digestive system lightly. Being constipated can make you grumpy and uncomfortable. You need to keep things moving along to truly be healthy and happy. Watch that you don't overload on fruit or you may get the opposite effect, but other than that great insoluble fiber (The fiber that doesn't get digested, but scrubs your system and pushes things along) options are celery, sugar snap peas, carrots, broccoli, whole grains (I love the quinoa), seeds, and leafy greens.

Even though I am not completely detoxed YET, my digestive system is doing great.

Keep pooping,

Smobergirl

Feeling light.

This no or hardly dairy and bread diet really works. I actually feel lighter. I lost another pound, and I expect to lose more and I feel more flexible and easy. Okay the yoga and pilates help a great deal too. I am making sure I have some citrus every day to cheer up my mood. It works! Another visual mood-enhancer are these edible flowers found in the grocery store. I have cucumber slices sprinkled with cayenne sea salt (you make your own) which is a good substitute for chips! I have another portobello 'steak' there with the rest of the mushroom gravy I made a few days ago. The salad has baby red leaf lettuce, arugula, and watercress. I added olives, broccolini, hemp and flax seeds (I love the texture of hemp seeds), sea salt, pomegranate seeds, and balsamic vinegar. The long orange thing...a carrot. Fabulous!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Has this happened to you?

You are going about your day and everything is normal, then the hormone flood gates open and you have this rush of crazy emotions. Is that a chemical imbalance, "stuff coming out", PMS maybe? LOL. Well I think that's my testimony what the holistic therapist's have told me unless there is another scientific reason. I think emotional detox definitely comes with the quit. I'm okay now. That one only lasted five minutes. Either that or I'm in denial and I am truly psycotic. ;) Going to Sage's now for Ian's favorite breakfast. Maybe I can put my experimental pesto in it.

Getting back to health.

It's not your typical day 3. I feel pretty good for the most part. I walked 15 minutes on the treadmill and 45 doing pilates, yoga, and ballet exercises with weights and a resistance band. I highly recommend getting a resistance band. It's an inexpensive, go-anywhere, effective piece of equipment. Of course I had to dust mine off (ahem), but I'm sure to use it regularly now. For breakfast I had an iced coffee (that led to some irritation, but I didn't feel terrible); then a smoothie of Amazing Meal Chocolate Infusion, 5 almonds, a satsuma orange, 1/4 cup grapefruit juice, and frozen strawberries. I read somewhere online to make coconut water ice cubes and put them in your water, with a squeeze of lemon. I have boxed coconut water, O.N.E., in the health food store's beverage section. I've tried cracking coconuts open, but this is so much easier. You just, um, pop open a plastic top. Some argue that the most nutrient potential is in the real fruit, but I don't see anything bad in the boxed stuff. I made ice cubes out of the coconut water last night, and they are so good in water! Try it. Maybe try them in fruit juices. (I heard the person who thought 'vodka'! Watch it :) For lunch I had quinoa hot poured over raw chopped garlic, chopped basil, EVOO, red pepper flakes, and 5 kalamata olives. YUMM-Y! I took my Passages supplements (www.passagesmalibu.com) and a St. John's Wort.

Stuff to do today:

Guitar

Finish last nutrition assignment

Finish or be close to finishing owl painting

So I am going to attempt to make Bobby Flay's chipotle pesto. I happen to have dried chipotles and dried hot chiles in my pantry, basil and pine nuts. I say attempt because after soaking his peppers in water for 30 minutes, his came out really soft. It's been an hour and they mine are still hard. LOL we'll see.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Lot's of fun pictures today.

Snow day!! I had a tofu scramble and red potatoes at Carlucci's this morning, and went to a movie this afternoon, but I was in the rest of the time. I walked for 15 minutes on the treadmill and did 20 min with Gilad. Then I had zucchini 'noodles' with raw marinara, 3 cold naked cooked shrimp with Annie's Natural's BBQ sauce, and sweet potato baked fries for lunch. I took a hot bath. Then I saw the new animated "A Christmas Carol". If you see it make sure you go to the 3D show. I jumped three or four times. Then I had sliced filet mignon, an iceberg wedge with a tomato slice and red onion naked, and 1/2 of a fat onion ring. Then 15 more minutes on the treadmill, and a 10-minute resistance band workout. Water: 3 liters. Iced coffee: 24 oz. Passages supplements and 2 St. John's wart capsules.

Storms make me happy. I hope the rest of you Utahns enjoyed it as well.

Namaste,

Smobergirl